Being just.j0lly.me

2012-02-08T00:09:00.002+08:00

Time flies

even when you're not having that much of fun.

Year 2 is approaching its end. CA1 was fine, CA2 was anything but. But I guess I'm so numb to all the rubbish and piles of notes thrown at us that I just laugh it all off and make myself miserable again with the thought of the next exam. And to think that today's lecture was on our brain's capacity limit. Irony at its best.

Sometimes I'm not too sure what isn't right. Or maybe I do, but am just not confident enough to piece them into words. Planting thoughts into my head is bad stuff. Makes me rethink and doubt. Absolutely cannot stand that. Hmm but for now, priorities are priorities. THAT, I better get right.

- jolly J

2011-12-12T01:50:00.003+08:00

Feeling this way

We are all selfish people. We want things, but don't want to make the effort to get them. And if we can't have it, no one else can. We want things to go our way. We want feelings to stay the way we want it to. We want to be happy, even if it makes everyone else sad. We want to stay happy, even if someone else is hurting. We claim to be righteous, but we know we hell are not.

But at least I know better.

And I can truly say, I'm glad that it's a little bit stronger.

I'm glad =)

- jolly J

2011-11-23T23:12:00.004+08:00

It has been awhile

Don't know what came over me to even remember that this ranting platform of mine still existed. Things are very different now. Everything seems to be evolving into something else... especially exams. Never thought that one could study to the extent where absolutely nothing else could fit into the supposedly limitless brain of ours. The recent CA1 is officially THE most content cramming crap I've ever encountered in my entire life. Pacing up and down the house reciting names of bacteria that resemble more of Harry Potter spells than english (Latin as well, I think), seriously sucking the life out of me. But whatever it is: Its over. And I survived. Muaha. Dengue and Chlamydia, I shall remember the both of you evils forever.

Yup things are very different now indeed. My attitude towards going for lectures has taken some drastic change. Ever since I started not attending some, I was hooked. The forbidden fruit has never tasted so sweet.

Everything is different now. I'm learning to repair whatever damage I might have caused. Don't need people to acknowledge it though. Oh well, wish me well I guess. Making things right.

- jolly J

2011-10-02T01:34:00.004+08:00

Making things right

After everything, I'm conforming.

I will learn. Learn to be a better person.

Don't judge me, please.

I know now.

And I'm praying that I'll be able to make things right.

- jolly J

2011-08-31T01:23:00.003+08:00

Untitled

Why is it that things change so drastically without even me noticing? I used to be able to see a future, my future. I used to know what I want in life. But now I'm just stuck, stoned. All of a sudden I don't know what I want, nor what I'm doing, thinking. And I don't even know what caused this. Damn. I'm just letting time pass by without so much of a care in the world of how much of it I've wasted.

I like baby clothes you know, especially those hanging from those miniature hangers and their mini hooks. Passed by this store selling a few of those cute little outfits with matching baby socks and all, but instead my mind just went--- blank.

And I just came back from a horrible steamboat dinner. Never knew steamboat can be that distasteful, seriously.

I'm starting to think that it has always been in my head all along. Perhaps.

- jolly J

2011-08-14T02:04:00.003+08:00

Why is this so hard

One down, and four to go. Well school has started and I guess I'm going to take it easier from now on, all this obsession with mugging and burying ourselves into books must stop. But I guess now nothing seems to matter, when all I can think of is broccoli. There are times when you need to make a decision between what you want to do, and what you need to do.

And its excruciating.

- jolly J

2011-08-05T03:27:00.004+08:00

When words matter

Have you ever said something that you know you don't want to, but you still did anyway?

Well I have.

But it still counts you know. Because it hurts, and it matters.

- jolly J

2011-07-12T02:05:00.002+08:00

Damn Damn Damn

I'm seriously having a major mental block right now. I don't know what to think, and I obviously don't know what to do. People are starting to pass judgement at me all over again. But more importantly, the trust which I've been desperately asking for, has still not arrived.

I don't know who I'm directing this post to actually. But I'm not a bad person. I'm really trying my best here. Yes it isn't perfect, in fact it is far from it. But I'm doing it the way I know how, and I'm puting every single bit of effort I can. That, everyone please believe me.

I am not a bad person. Don't you dare judge me.

- jolly J

2011-07-10T09:29:00.001+08:00

You cannot do everything, and still have everything.

2011-07-05T01:32:00.002+08:00

Why does it have to turn out like this?

I don't even think I'm pissed right now, nor disappointed. Think I'm just pek cek. Nothing seems to be right. I know I'm not perfect and do not express myself as nicely as I would have liked, but even with that, still nothing seems to be right.

Stoning doesn't help, but at least it makes me feel in control for once; the ability to choose to do absolutely nothing. I don't even think I'm feeling tired. Neither am I sian.

Haven't I done enough?

- jolly J

2011-06-09T05:46:00.003+08:00

Ever had this feeling?

Don't know why I'm up at 0600hrs when there is absolutely no need for my body to do so. Wanted to just stay lying down but somehow it just seemed like a waste of time. Yesterday's preYEP event turned out well and I'm pretty much happy with the results which everyone put in effort to contribute to, and yeap it was tiring... which makes me come back to my point of why I'm still up at this hour -.-. Maybe I'm just getting old.

Sometimes you can know a person for so long, but yet know nothing all at the same thing. But yet for some you can know them for just that day, but feel that you've already decided to know more. I don't really buy the idea of 'click-ing' (or 'clique-ing', whichever is the correct term), I've always believed its really just the coincidental similarity of behaviour, habits, or interests that generates this kind of 'connection' between people--- of course with a little bit of luck. But what if at the end of the day you just can't seem to pinpoint any of these attributes, but yet the 'click-ish' feeling is still there?

Okay the time still doesn't seem to be moving very much. Time to do something. Time to read a book.

No not studying (if that was what you were thinking), because I actually have a sane life, and have every intention of keeping it that way. Storybook people, s-t-o-r-y-b-o-o-k. Yes the same kind of book that normal people pick up to entertain themselves.

- jolly J

2011-05-30T00:29:00.002+08:00

Anger

So it seems growing up does not make you mature, at least not that much. It does not help much in controlling one's anger. And it does not increase one's tolerance to it either. All it does is make you realise your folly faster, and assist in making amends.

All in all, I guess much damage has been done, none of which could have been prevented regardless of how 'old' or 'wise' you are. But still its always good to know that the good old rational mind can always overcome the initial rage.

Growing up does have its benefits after all.

But for the record, it still hurts nevertheless.

- jolly J

2011-05-23T00:02:00.003+08:00

Its over

Finally its over. They say all good things must come to an end. But this ain't even good in the first place, so one wonders why it took so long. But I'm just grateful its over. I'm overwhelmed by waves of relief which hasn't stopped since it ended.

Now to look for things to do. But strangely I don't really feel as lost as I thought I would be. Everything seems to be fine, so far at least.

- jolly J

2011-04-28T01:47:00.003+08:00

Taking a break

Couldn't believe how much hair I had on my head, not until it all came down (well, most of it anyway) this afternoon. Yup I guess my hair should have played a part in creating an additional barrier preventing knowledge from diffusing into my brain. So now that I'm about a few pounds of hair lighter, there's no excuse as I embark on my 2 weeks countdown to ultimate freedom.

This GE thing is getting into everyone's head I tell you. Just spending a few moments reading some of the comments made is already painful enough for me to just stop. I know Singaporeans love to complain, but some of the remarks made, especially those personal attacks, are totally uncalled for. And I would dare say that most of them were made by GenY peeps (aka high expectations, whiny, disrespectful bunch of people). Its just saddening to see how people get so uptight over their own little demands that they totally forget about everything else. What happened to all the insightful comments? I've seen a couple, at most. And its worse knowing that I belong to this generation too.

Well I'm still waiting to see what the opposition has to offer. And by 'offer' I mean a reasonably structured plan to how they are actually going to put into action all their beautiful proposals. Bring down GST? Decrease reliance on foreign workers? Scrap PSLE? Peg housing to median income?

Wow. That would really be Disneyland.

Yup this year would indeed be my first time voting. How exciting. *gasps*. Well, not so when it has to happen dead smack in the middle of my examination revisions. Oh well, come what may, I'm making sure I end my first academic year with some sort of a bang nonetheless.

Ok so now to plan how I actually intend to do so.... hmm...

- jolly J

2011-04-19T00:06:00.003+08:00

Never what it seems

Sometimes I think things just love to poke fun at everyone, namely me. Of no reason freaky accidents just takes place and BAMM it just hits you just like that. Hate it when it does actually, but thankfully I've managed to divert all that unwanted energy away. Haha yup I may actually just sign up for a meditation course during my long (or not) break after exams, with all the ying and the yang and stuff. Awesome. Jason shall be at peace.

Anyway people, please don't piss me off. Sometimes I scare even myself when I go into a rage. I wonder how many people have actually seen me lose my temper, like big time. My fuse may be long but that doesn't mean I'm tolerating everything that happens around me.

Yup I'm too emotional, I get reminded of the past over and over again. Be it the good times or the bad. These are the times whereby I wish my memory just fail me, sigh... everything in the wrong place. I hate Lower Limb.

Oh and anyway the lucky participant and recipient of my rage was none other than my dear (or not) brother.

And memories, be gone! Lol.

- jolly J

2011-04-06T01:52:00.001+08:00

And love, I'll be a fool for you, I'm sure.

You know I don't mind.

Oh, you know I don't mind.

2011-04-02T11:05:00.003+08:00

Big things in small packages

Sometimes, some things so small can make all the difference in the world. Sometimes that is all you really need to put a smile on a person's face. Sometimes, the people who appreciate such small gestures from you are the exact same ones who will put that very same smile back on yours.

It doesn't matter how much you think you can do for a person, its a matter of whether it will actually be appreciated and reciprocated.

Let's all work on exercising our zygomaticus major muscles.

- jolly J

2011-03-21T01:06:00.004+08:00

Phew

Think yesterday I was just geting too worked up. Today was great actually, woke up this morning still kind of on the wrong side of the bed, but everything managed to turn out alright. Service this morning was awesome (pastor from North India came and shared, and I was completely blown away), the afternoon passed normally, and the night ended good as per normal again. I really can get used to this.

Sorry Tsz for all my tempers these past few days. I'm still beginning to learn.

- jolly J

2011-03-20T02:29:00.002+08:00

Darn irritated

Why is everything so damn ironic? I hate to put on this facade, but it seems like I should just embrace it and heck everything else. Seriously sometimes I just get so pissed that I swear I'm going to do something about it.

Yup actions indeed do speak louder than words. One moment I act as if I am on top of things, when in fact I'm actually just being manipulated all these while. And I hate that.

I think I should just do what I want to do. Why do I even bother to give considerations anymore??? Heck, I think I'm just delusional. There, I said it. I finally admitted this damn thing to myself.

I'm better than this. Way better.

- jolly J

2011-03-09T01:26:00.001+08:00

Sigh

Sigh. If only. That would have been lovely.

Well.

Too bad.

2010-12-31T09:29:00.003+08:00

Time for change, again.

2011

Sometimes I've got so many things in my head that I don't even know where to start. Hate myself for procrastinating too often, which often ends with mere frustration. Sometimes I just think I need someone to talk to, but honestly I wouldn't even know where to begin? I don't even know what is the problem, MY problem--- someone please enlighten me. This December seems to be unlike the others before; feels like any other month, though I don't think its supposed to.

I've gained 3kg over the last week, and the new year snacks ain't helping. Happy 2011 anyway.

- jolly J

2010-12-13T14:26:00.008+08:00

Merry Christmas

in advanced.

猜不透
相处会比分开还寂寞
两个人都只是得过且过
无法感受每次触摸是真的是热的

如果忽远忽近的洒脱
是你要的自由
那我宁愿回到一个人生活

如果忽冷忽热的温柔
是你的借口
那我宁愿对你从没认真过

Yet again time has passed by too quick for you to even start complaining about it. Exams are over. And boy is it time to enjoy. Yes and once again, I felt that I've put in too much effort into studying for CA2. But please do not get me wrong, I'm definitely not saying the paper was easy (it wasn't) or that I'm smart (trust me, just look at the people around me!). Don't you realise that for most of the questions that don't know the answer to, you just wouldn't get it right even if you studied your notes again? Point being, your marks ain't going to change that much no matter how much you study. You either get it or you don't. Its called reaching 'The Glass Ceiling of Intelligence'. And boy is mine low.

Unless you mug the entire Papa Moore and Guyton. That I have to say would guarantee you an A+ in any paper, even if your ceiling resembles that of the floor.

Ok enough of that, getting really depressing just talking now. Christmas and the New Year is approaching and what better way to prepare for the next phase of life than to pack my room -.-. So exciting. Currently I'm about halfway into my 'reconstruction works', and I must say its really satisfying... in a weird sort of way that is.

Need to get all organised for the next onslaught of Abdomen and Perineum! If there is anything I'm hoping to gain from them, it is to learn some secrets into the realm of dieting and slimming. Hardly unlikely though.

Was reading an old copy of MensHealth in the gym (yes it has been a long time since I stepped into one) which wrote something which I found hilarious: Did you know that 46% of male gym regulars would rather skip sex than their workout session?

This just proves two things: 1) Men are vain creatures as well. 2) Men are not all that crazy into sex as women might think (a bias accusation women use universally with the aim of glorifying themselves). And as exaggerated 46% might seem to be, I personally find that there is much truth to that. *shocks*

Merry Christmas people.

猜不透. Seriously, whatever.

- jolly J

2010-11-17T09:47:00.007+08:00

forget, study, get fat

I have no idea why I'm up at this forsaken hour when its a Hari Raya, one of the only rare times I get to sleep in. And so it seems that my initial plan to sleep through lunchtime to lose some kilos kind of just went down the drain. Yeap its a pathetic way to lose weight I know, but hey it works.

Was rummaging through my drawer just now and came across some remnants of the past. Somehow it seems that no matter how many times I try to clear the old stuff, another reappears the next time I go through them. And then I'll have to pause and deliberate on whether I should throw them away or add them to the I'll-just-keep-them-for-memories-sake mountain that I have already chalked up.

I still have my Pokemon cards with me. Yea... tell me about it.

But I'm glad everything is in order now, some things really should be thrown away and forgotten. Thank God that He has helped me to move on, casting away all my doubts and selfishness; sometimes I still hesitate, but then I'm glad it always ends with a smile. Never regret, never look back.

And I'm not going to.

When you look into the mirror and realise something is amiss, well chances are something is amiss. The amount of weight that I've put on is starting to scare me. Which is why CAs better arrive fast (not that fast though), and then I can get on with my exercise regime to get myself back in shape. Run, Jason, run.

- jolly

2010-10-28T01:26:00.003+08:00

...

It seems like I'll never stop counting down for something to end. First it was surgery, then army, and now CAs. Well in 6 weeks time the semester is coming to an end, and finally we all will get to enjoy our well deserved break. It has been ages since I've watched a movie, shop, or sleep; the only earthly pleasure being eating, and more eating. Hence my december resolution to cut down on sugar-laced calories, and work off all my subcutaneous adipose tissue, of course.

Any teacher who ever said A levels is the toughest period in a student's life is lying. I'm seeing all these 'kids' filling up almost every corner of Starbucks and Macdonald's probably cursing their books and calculators, wishing that their ordeal would end as soon as possible. Gives me an urge to slap them on the back and burst their gullible little bubbles.

And yes I know all the seniors are probably saying the exact same thing about me now as well.

Anyways, I'm happy to have people around me to talk to whenever I feel fed up with school (which is almost everyday), and I'm not shy to say that my mum is one of them. Its nice to come home (which is almost never before midnight) knowing that there is someone to release all your cooped up frustrations to (which is a lot), even though it might not exactly be a problem that is bothering you. Just a listening ear, just to rant. Haha. I love my mum. =)

Six weeks. December. You're mine.

- jolly J

2010-09-21T08:40:00.005+08:00

Recess

After six weeks of slogging, finally its time for a break--- or not. Regardless, this week cannot come at a more appropriate time; I have loads of backlog to catch up with, but more importantly personal issues to settle also.

School has been fairly good I must say, besides the fact that I'm beginning to find Anat extremely irritating, nerves and all. And I absolutely cannot stand the Hand. Suddenly Biochem seems so much more appealing to me? *gasp*

But as I continue to embark on my journey into the anatomical realm, I am constantly being amazed everyday by His works: How one nerve is perfectly orientated in the our body from start to end, cord to muscle to skin. How our body is created in the complete image of Him. Praise God.

Of course, this is not to say I'm enjoying studying them though. Lol.

Sometimes its good to just take the morning and do some reflection, about yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Then you know you're all prepared, not academically, but emotionally and spiritually.

"I rebuke you, Satan, for He who is within me is greater than he who is in the world."

- jolly J

2010-09-09T00:25:00.005+08:00

Tired

Finally we're all five weeks into school term. Not to say that I haven't been expecting this, but the workload is really starting to put me off. It ain't so much about the amount of content that bothers me (although I'm not saying that I don't have a problem with them either), its the monotonous lecturers coupled with our extremely disorganised notes. Is it me or hasn't anyone bothered to request that lecture notes not be printed in powerpoint format? Not to mention the exceptional amount of paper wastage.

Lecturers should give themselves a break and go on a retreat every month or something. Which means about... now.

I'm tired.

- jolly J

2010-08-14T09:10:00.003+08:00

Wake up

I got woken up even before my alarm clock (or as Prof Low would put it, my opportunity clock) went off on the very day I didn't need to wake up early in the first place. Think its time to say goodbye to the good old days of 10 hour sleeps; my body has already given me a clear signal after just one week for goodness sake.

Regardless of what, after everything that has happened, think its really time for me to wake up.

- jolly J

2010-08-09T23:49:00.003+08:00

Day Zero

Can't believe that I'm saying this, but school officially starts tomorrow. That's like tomorrow with a capital T. Like a tomorrow that is 8 hours away. And yes its eight hours precisely because lecture starts at 0830hrs. A forsaken hour at that.

And it will remain so for pretty much the next two years of my pitiful (relative) life.

Always reminding myself to remember to continue to cast all my cares unto Him.

Amen.

- jolly J

2010-07-27T10:28:00.007+08:00

The time has arrived

After two long years of anticipation, with my matriculation card in hand, I can finally proclaim that I am a student of the National University of Singapore. Gone were the days when "Uh, I'm waiting for university to start, and uh, I just completed my national service." seems to be the reply to every single uncle or auntie who comes up to me asking what I'm currently doing. This feeling is indeed refreshing; I can literally see the slight angelic glow in the faces of all the guys who were present at the matriculation fair as well. Awesome~

School is about to begin and the more trips I make to school, the more I wonder whether I should have just applied for hall in the first place. Somehow the I-will-get-used-to-the-travelling-in-time part doesn't seem very hopeful now. But of course I will be praying that I will be able to travel to school everyday with provided transport . *hint hint* Haha.

Went back to Meridian yesterday with Aaron, had a chance to meet up with Ms. Soh, Mrs Wong, and unexpectedly Ms. Lee as well. Few things I've came to learn upon this visit, and for those who needs to be desperately updated:

1) Ms. Lee is pregnant! Oh gosh congrats~!

2) Dr. Rahman has return to MJC to continue his Xiao Ding legacy.

3) MJC has been ranked part of the top 5 JCs, kicking off T!

I have always said that Meridian would be part of that group of five in time to come; I actually predicted, back when I was in J1, that it be would realised in five years time. And look! God I'm good. Haha.

And oh yes, although the question marks on the left column has been taken down, please pardon my little lack of enthusiasm, at least for today--- I've just signed my next ten years of my life away this very afternoon. Came out of the clutches of a government agency only to fall back into another.

- jolly J

2010-07-13T11:44:00.004+08:00

Apologies

After being through the four days of Medicamp, I would conclude that it was indeed enjoyable and I did have my fair share of fun. Going in there without knowing anyone kind of sucked, but I guess it all worked out pretty fine. Kudos to the people of Fright Night! I have to say it was executed extremely well, even to the likes of those in professional theme parks (I am dead serious). The Joker impersonations, the choppers, the screaming--- wonderful, in a sadistic kind of way.

But overall I have to say that SCAMP 2010 still beats Medicamp hands down. Too much waiting time, and too much time doing absolutely nothing. Hopefully next year would be better, after we take over the reins that is. Haha.

Also, for those who for whatever reason is reading my blog (MQ?), I would like to formally apologise to the ONO people for crashing their group, even though I know for an obvious fact that they do not take offense in the first place. Haha. Right? ALRIGHT~!

And recently it seems that everyone assumes that everyone lives right next to school or something, or in it for that matter. Any school activity that has a duration of three hours or less is not worth to even turn up for, realistically speaking. Let this be a advanced notification on my attendance for future events in school.

And my schedule has been quite hectic for the past few weeks, haven't been coming home for dinner for about a month! That's kind of extreme now that I think of it. Yup my mum has been reminding me not to stretch myself too much, the fact that school hasn't even begun yet; will be trying to make more time for my mum though, it has been a while since I had a heart to heart talk with her.

And yes there is absolutely nothing wrong for a 21-year-old son to have a personal quiet time with his mum. I love my mum and I am proud of it. Hee.

And is anyone up for NUS Navigators' Camp?

- triple j

2010-06-30T19:03:00.006+08:00

A fair share of fun

And before I knew it, the first school event which I've awaited eagerly for two whole years came, and went. Really wasn't expecting much from it initially, but I have to say that I did have fun during those five days spent with the science faculty people. Except for the numerous times people mistake me for as an Ah Beng, which was also hilarious to say the least, everything else seemed smooth sailing. Lol.

My orientation group ONO (oh yea!) got overall 2nd place. DO NOT ask me how we managed to accomplish that in the first place; don't even think we did anything in particular--- just played the games set before us and somehow won almost every single time. "Hot hot hot, that's very hot~"

And I really must take my hat off to SCAMP's organising committee for their incredible efficiency in running the entire show. No obvious hiccups, no disputes, and no idle waiting. My Seniors are a seriously funny bunch of people (aka weirdos), sometimes lame to extent that I had to turn away to avoid being overwhelmed by a sudden surge of goosebumps, but most of the time incredibly entertaining to watch. Haha.

Now the hopes for my next camp to be as exciting as this one has just jumped a few leaps and bounds loh!

And just for everyone's info, Jason Tay is a relatively quiet person, who doesn't condone vulgarities, reads proper novels as a pastime, doesn't club, dislikes alcohol, adores cute babies, and LOVES to study.

I just so happen to have dyed hair. -.-

Stereotyping hypocrites. Haha.

- triple j

2010-06-19T09:19:00.005+08:00

Ready, Get set, Go!

Yes in about 48 hours' time I'll be starting my unofficial school life. Not exactly extremely excited, but after a two-year waiting period, a sort of enthusiasm has obviously crept in. But we'll wait and see, see how does next week play out to be.

I've also accomplished two major tasks in my 'To-do-before-starting-school' list recently: bought my laptop; and as vain and superficial as it may sound, I dyed my hair too. And yes it comes under my well respected 'To-do' list.

Think I'll be needing some time to figure out how to use this laptop of mine to its maximum (or minimum rather) efficiency since I haven't exactly own a laptop before, especially this irritating trackpad. I love my 老鼠. Oh well, I suppose I would be able to find the time to fiddle around with it, especially since I was told not to swim for at least two weeks if I don't want to ruin my hair colour. Urgh. By the time those two weeks are up, I'll have to get it cut as it'll be too long to maintain again. Talk about stupidity in the name of vanity.

The next few weeks is going to change my way of living for the past few months. Today is my third-last time that I'll be working at Aunty's bubble tea shop. Yes, I have been helping out at a bubble tea shop for quite a while now. Don't think I've really mentioned it to anyone, but I really learnt quite a bit from those few hours that I spent there. I am honestly going to miss it when school term starts.

This bubble tea boy is going to miss his bubble tea.

- triple j

2010-06-11T00:10:00.007+08:00

O Happy Day

The past few days has been great! Not that I'm doing anything out of the ordinary (which means tuition and more tuition), but just going out aimlessly and having fun at the end of the day.

I'm still on a quest to eat as much goodies as I can lay my hands on, and these few days has been quite eventful in this aspect: Caramel ice cream, Sugar coated delight, and my new found love The Clubhouse sandwich (Subway I love you still).

And of course coming across the Cutest Baby in the World (yet) in my very critical opinion; my baby boy is so going to be like him. I love this baby to bits!!! Someone please get me him for my birthday present.

Just came back by MRT and bus from Cityhall with Tsz. And the reason why I had to specifically state 'MRT and bus', was because it has been ages since Tsz actually took them. Yes driving may be a convenience (and an addiction), but it still seems weird that she comes under this category, which can be casually classified under the 'Pampered People' heading.

But don't take this as a complaint! I'm in no way complaining that my girlfriend drives around 24/7, since I enjoy quite abit of the perks as well. Heh. All in all, it was just amusing to see how amused she was to use her ez-link card again. Haha. I really enjoyed today. Love doing nothing but walk around loving.

WHICH brings me to the issue that my ez-link card expired today! All of a sudden, without any warning whatsoever. Thank God I had coins with me to tide me over my first bus ride, but that ain't the point. You see, I'm still using (was using) my NSF ez-link card. Yes I knew it beforehand that this card may expire after my ORD, but the fact that after 3 months it was still usable, I assumed that I could continue using it.

Stupid me.

- triple j

2010-06-04T11:35:00.007+08:00

Awaiting my next phase

Wow. June is already here, half of my 2010 has passed and I don't seem to feel as if I've accomplished much. But I'm still continuing to discover more about myself (and the responsibilities that come along with it) during these six months. My pain is still there, I admit it is still affecting me physically and psychologically, but I'm not going to let it ruin my days. I don't like to talk about it because I don't want pity, or over reacting care from people. Yes, believe or not, a guy's pride will never go away.

People, including myself, tend to ask Him "Why?". Why is this happening to me, why of all people these troubles just seem to haunt me and me alone? Recently Tsz had that question, and as much as I am underqualified to answer this seemingly profound question, I assured her with a layman's take on it. There are many people out there who are in a more critical situation that you are who more so deserves to ask that question. Fear is what drives this question, and the only answer to it is Faith. I've also got quite a bit of concerns over the starting of school, but lets all leave the worrying to God, shall we?

I have been going to the Dhoby Ghaut area recently and realised there were quite a few places selling good snacks! It've not been exercising much lately due to my condition, but I've still been trying to keep myself fit, so I suppose the following indulgence is well deserved. And the Beancurd (not egg) tart is to die for by the way.

If you don't know me well enough, eating and snacking has been my true passion (and not acting cool or smarty farty like most would define me as). "Eat Drink and be Merry--- without forgeting God's involvement in all of that." -jason tay.

Okay puting food aside once again, last sunday's sermon was especially important to me, even though it was titled "Becoming a God pleasing woman/wife". Haha. I guess as important as it is for women to understand the fundamentals of contributing to a strong relationship, it is as important for the men to have some knowledge of it as well. Because in my opinion, if you know one another's responsibilities and vice versa, the mutual understanding would naturally come about, which then builds up the most critical aspect of any realtionship--- respect.

Okay enough of the marital bliss talk, I've kept notes on the sermon and have learnt a great deal of being a good boyfriend/husband from it. I'm going to have a tuition lesson in less than an hour's time. One that I would like to dub as the 'Redhill tuition'. Details are hilarious. But till then. Ciao~

- triple j

2010-05-17T10:24:00.003+08:00

When things ain't going right

How do you know when the world is beginning to head towards total chaos? When restaurants start charging $25 purely for 'dishwashing fees', when governments start killing their citizens in the name of maintaining order, and of course, when Jay Chou is geting chosen to play the role of Bruce Lee in the upcoming Ip Man 3 sequel.

Judging by people's reaction when they learn that their beloved Ip Man movie is going to be ruined at the hands of this pop star, I've got a pretty good feeling that no one is really going to support its release if it really materialises. I've even heard of a boycott, even before anything is confirmed! Haha the producers better can the idea and accuse this leaked information as a purely publicity rumour.

School is going to start quite soon, I have approximately two months before I embark on the next chapter of my life. And the '???' mark at the left column of this blog will be removed for good. Really didn't expect myself to be able to enter this faculty, which is why I'm crediting all of this unto Him. It is so fitting that I'm being able to fulfil the meaning of my name 'Jason' (aptly meaning The One who Heals), which makes it all the more certain that this is His plan for me. It's going to be full of hard work for the next few years, but like I always say, His will be done.

I've still got a lot to learn to deal with the pain, with puting my complete trust in Him into my healing. But after hearing a testimony from an ex-convict turned pastor from Cambodia in church yesterday afternoon, I'm being reminded that regardless, God has a purpose for me. And I will most definitely be using my future skills within my profession to serve this purpose.

And I pray for wisdom for my relationship as well. I still need it.

- triple j

2010-05-09T00:54:00.002+08:00

It's good to be back

I really thoroughly enjoyed my trip amidst all the hiccups, which I felt was weirdly enjoyable actually. I wouldn't call them hiccups, but rather just a product of inexperience. But we had our fun, and I must say this trip was indeed a success.

Other than the slight sun burn which I got, it was pretty much good all the way, except for the last four hours which we spent waiting idly due to a miscalculation of timing on our part. Spent quite a bit of unnecessary money along the way, but garnered loads of experience and memories from them as well. Learnt quite a lot on 'road safety and etiquette'. Haha.

Realised, yet again, what I really want. =)

Not gonna go back there anytime soon, but looking forward to going somewhere else. Hehe.

- triple j

2010-04-28T18:31:00.007+08:00

Time passing by

Slowly and steadily I'm beginning to feel that I need a structured life after all. Being able to have a flexible timetable is starting to lose its novelty. My patience for school to begin is beginning to wear off, its like counting down to my ORD date all over again. Just that this time, its a little bit more bearable. Okay, alot more.

And finally, it is my turn to change to a biometric passport (don't know why it took this long in the first place). At first I was kind of sad that I had to turn in my old passport to the authorities as it had an ancient photo of myself in it, one in which I very much wanted to keep:

But in the end I realised that I didn't need to surrender my old passport at all. All the lady at the counter did was to punch two holes into the cover, and its void. Yay. So how would I want my son to look like in the future? Exactly like that. Lol. Photo courtesy of Tsz by the way.

Went to eat at ShinTokyo once a few days ago. My impression of ShinTokyo wasn't already very good after eating at RamenTen some years back, but this particular incident takes the cake. One word: Horrible. Not going to further tarnish its reputation though, especially after I have already emailed them a letter of complaint (yes, it was that bad). Just heed my advise, unless you are a fan of rock hard rice and tasteless ramen, don't go there.

And NUS please get back to me soon.

- triple j

2010-04-19T10:38:00.004+08:00

It is well

April is coming to an end anytime soon, and everything is well. Can't believe that the first four months of the year is approaching its last stretch already--- that leaves only two thirds of 2010 to go! Kind of scary if you'd think about it. My last significant memory of 2010 was its new year countdown -.-

Still, everything ain't perfect for me, but I know its only going to get better. My schedule now is tolerable, but frankly speaking I need a break from it. Not that I'm complaining, but as much as it allows me to have a flexible timetable, it still gets monotonous after awhile. Well, everything does.

Hopfully the upcoming Bintan trip would be just the excursion I need, coming back in time for preperations for school in August. I've still got alot of uncertainties, but I'll remain prayful about it.

Pastor Kuo Yong uploaded my confirmation video, and knowing how sensitive I am with such things, I'm quite surprised that I even allowed it. Maybe its the knowledge that He can make an equal impact to others like myself (there are loads of snobs out there) through my video. And after receiving comments from people around, I know that I made the right choice. And now I'm basking in all His glory, proclaiming my love for Him.

We should never be shy about Him, but instead spread His love and goodness to everyone, especially to those we care about dearly.

And I'm doing just that!

- triple j

2010-03-30T00:00:00.004+08:00

On the right track

Life has been really busy these days. Takes time geting used to the lifestyle, but I'm actually beginning to get used to it. I wouldn't go so far as to say its hectic in any sense, so I suppose its fine. I would in fact actually dare say that this is kind of fun, to be honest.

I'm geting my adult baptism (confirmation) this Easter Sunday. After going through it all, I'm glad my life has made a big U-Turn back to where it is now. Thousand thanks to the people who have stood by me, always trying (in vain) to persuade me to go back to Him. I must admit it really takes some guts to come up to me in the past and say stuff like 'God is good' in front of me. It wouldn't be any less than an outright awkward scene, I would think.

So as weird as it is to be blogging once again, I guess its only right that I pen down a sincere word of thanks to those special people in my life. And to one of them, a word of hope.

The thought that I actually might be the one who would effect back a change on her has occured several times. I've prayed about it, tried my best to, but to no avail. Guess I'm just not good at responding to unresponsiveness.

Time after time, tries after tries, something would occur to turn my whole plan around. Such that everytime it happens, I'll just smile to myself and think 'I knew this would happen'. Maybe these are just reminders that I should stay out of her life already--- an idea I'm really beginning to get a hang of. But I'll still pray, and hope for His guidance.

Celebration this Sunday evening, anyone?

-triple j

2010-03-16T22:54:00.001+08:00

"I lost my view of Alex in a sea of suntanned faces. I thought I might actually faint, although I'd never done that in my life, and then out of nowhere Alex stood at my side again and I realized that I hadn't been ill at all; it was just that half of me had been missing." -Jodi Picoult, Picture Perfect

Wow. If only.

- triple j

2010-02-21T10:00:00.003+08:00

I've thrown away the stuffs, although not many, that I've pointlessly kept all this while, photographs and all; deleted all folders in my hardrive that used to serve the same purpose as well. Its all gone.

2010-02-18T19:25:00.006+08:00

Random thoughts

My phone is really cocking up nowadays, first it was the vibration that made funny noises (one that suspiciously entertained Daryl quite abit), and now its the batteries. One moment its full, and the next its flat. But I'm still in no rush whatsoever to get a new one though. This antique has seen me through the highs and lows of the past two years, I don't see why it can't last me for a while longer.

My love for my current blogsong--- Butterfly Kisses by Collin Raye ---has been rekindled. Just so happened to be scrolling through my song list and got reminded on why he has been one of my favourite artistes of all time. He's pretty bloody amazing.

I wonder what kind of a dad I'll be next time though. First of all, I'll have two kids. Preferrably, a girl and a boy. The girl being the elder one, because boys just aren't made to be role models. Then I will hire a nanny to assit my wife, and raise them to be fat chubby babies (very important).

Then I'll retire (yea right), set up my cafe, and take back the reins in raising the kids from my wife. Now I can indulge in my passion--- with flexible hours ---my wife can take a break and pursue whatever she wants (with my money), and my kids wouldn't be shortchanged of their childhood (they'll be running around my cafe shouting "Daddy more orange juice!").

And then I'll aspire to be the 'favourite parent' out of us two, spending quality & quantity time with them. Boohoo to their mum. Haha.

She'll change her name today
and she'll make a promise and I'll give her away
Standing in the bride room just staring at her
She asked me what I'm thinking and I said I'm not sure,
I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl
And she leaned over...and gave me...

Butterfly kisses with her mamma there
Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair;
Walk me down the aisle Daddy, it's just about time
Does my wedding gown look pretty Daddy? Daddy don't cry;
Oh, with all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right
To deserve a her love every morning and butterfly kisses

I couldn't ask God for more
Man, this is what love is
I know I've gotta let her go, but I'll always remember
Every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses

I'll plan and have faith to achieve all that. Cheers.

- triple j

2010-02-15T18:09:00.003+08:00

What Vday?

I used to recall the discussion that everyone was having last year: will couples choose Valentine's or the Lunar Year? But come to think of it, it ain't so much about a choice. CNY naturally takes precedence over Cupid; no arguments about that. Looks like florists around are in for a bad time this time.

I didn't have proper meals for these past days, basically my meals comprised of a full spread of pork (bak kua), chicken (chicken floss cookies), carbohydrates (love letters), and fruits (pineapple tarts). Talk about a full-course meal.

It didn't really hit me that time has really flew by, at least not as hard yet. Well that was till I saw my nephew, who was barely walking the last time I met him, running around demanding orange juice from his mum. And the sudden realisation--- when my sis left early after family dinner at grandma's with her boyfriend to catch a movie ---that MY SIS HAS A BOYFRIEND.

Haha never actually thought this day would come that fast; just overheard her complaining to my mum about him being late all the time. Ahhh... young love. Cute bickerings, all part and parcel of a healthy relationship. I'm really looking forward to my sis' marraige though, hey thats an extra ang bao every year.

Happy chinese new year people.

- triple j

2010-02-12T17:22:00.006+08:00

Goodbye
with my Pink I/C in hand

Gone are the days when my every move has to be reported to camp--- leave, off, MA, MC. Now the rights to my time has been handed back to me, and it feels good. Its not that I'm making much progress with it, but the feeling of being free is just refreshing, to say the least.

Friends, ORD loh.

And don't come and talk moneysense to me now. Over the past week, I've spent on just about everything and anything. Its not so much about the spending (I've always been spending), but rather I haven't been keeping track on what I've been spending on. Knowing that I've spent too much too fast, and not knowing exactly how much I've lost--- its scary. Haha. But all in the CNY spirit.

Well, at least that's what I'm trying to tell myself anyway. Mahjong anyone?

Gone are the days when I put myself at topmost priority. 2010 ushers in a new chapter of my life, a chapter whereby I cast my troubles and dependency to Him and Him alone. And trust me, when you manage to achieve that--- being able to count on faith alone ---its amazing how the outlook of your life can change. If the Lord can touch a near atheist/extremist free-thinker like me, I don't know what He can't do.

"Now faith is being sure of what you hope for, and what you cannot see." Hebrews 11:1

Also, gone are the days when I listen to my mp3 again and again, hoping for things I know I won't get. 其实我不想放弃。Goodbye.

- triple j

2010-01-30T18:27:00.002+08:00

Perservere

My next week will be full of stuff to settle. Monday all the way through Friday I've got to be somewhere, doing something. Not exactly a fan of this lifestyle, but I guess I better get started geting use to it. Perservere.

My temper has been rather short lately, although I do try to keep it in check. Maybe I'm drifting back to my old self? No, I will not. Perservere.

I really need to get a hold of myself, so far I think I'm progressing fine, with circumstances (thank God) playing in my favour. I need to shake off the thought of all those 'maybe-s'--- its evil I tell you. It makes you stop, look back, and doubt what you've promised yourself to do just a moment ago. Perservere.

And I need to get another injection to get my blood checked on Monday. Perservere.

- triple j

2010-01-28T10:18:00.004+08:00

Goodbye wisdom

Yesterday went to National Dental to get my wisdom teeth extracted. All four of them, at one shot. Talk about pain. Yes, its back to the good old days with my best friend GA. But this time, the injection was worse, I could feel it flowing through my arm, and I awoke with a massive headache.

So how does it feel to have all of your wisdom taken out from you at one go? Try placing two marbles inside your cheeks, and get your best friend to punch you on each side. That probably sums up the whole experience, other than that blood was flowing out of my mouth like syrup.

So now I'm stuck on a semi-liquid diet: oats for lunch yesterday, porridge for dinner, cake soaked in milk (this incidentally taste quite good) for this morning's breakfast, and porridge for lunch later. Again.

Just read Google news that French rescuers just pulled out a girl from the rubble--- after 15 days. A man was also pulled out recently by US rescuers after 12 days. Both these incidents are nothing short of miracles. Thank God, and may the world's prayers reach out to them.

MM Lee's short response with regards to the affordability of public housing was really to the point and a wake up call. "Who decides what is affordable? The buyers, or the government regulating the subsidise?". Not that I'm pro-PAP, just another insight to the wisdom of MM Lee. Spontaneous answers that shuts up all unsubstantiated complaints--- a trait we desperately need to deal with Singaporeans nowadays.

I haven't been updating myself with current affairs recently--- an excuse I give myself is due to my medical conditions ---but I'm geting back on track. And ladies, if you've read the January issue of CLEO, you would realise (and I strongly support) it wrote that guys get somewhat turn off by girls' blogs which talk about nothing, but themselves. At least some affirmation that your knowledge is not limited to the food/booze you ingest and the clothes on your body? Lol.

IR is fully opening soon, YOG starting, Circle Line extending operations, and Netball Championship next year. All of which doesn't directly concern me.

At least Jason is ORDing, right?

- triple j

2010-01-27T10:56:00.001+08:00

Why?

Why am I feeling this way, again? No. I'm going to stump this out, for good.

- triple j

2010-01-18T23:54:00.002+08:00

Numb

I'm really glad that this is over. At first I was hesitant, but knowing that I've prevented myself from falling into a trick, a scam, a mascarade and making a fool of myself yet again affirms my initial decision.

I don't even have to look, hear, or check anything--- online or off ---to know that my predictions are true. One more chance? Hah. Look around. Nothing has changed, nor has tried to change. All a bunch of lies. And its just two days after those 'promises' were made.

Typing this is just making my blood boil. How can anyone be so pretentious?

I guess I should just be glad that I've finally made a decision, for myself.

Goodbye, and I will never give my time, worry or tears to you. Ever.

- triple j

2010-01-12T21:56:00.006+08:00

One

Time really flies. Only one more month before I'm officially a free man. And funny thing is, I'm not as excited as I anticipated myself to be. Maybe its my circumstances now, maybe its all these realisations.

Genting was good, with a few ups and downs along the way, but it was good. Long coach ride, themepark, snacking, foot massage, and of course taking pictures with bubbly Clarin. Now that my hair is short yet again, don't think there'll be any glam shots of myself after this trip for at least another month.

But at least this will be the last time you'll see me with short hair. So enjoy it while it lasts. Lol.

And for the past few days I've been coming home late, waking up the next day for yet another round--- hardly can imagine how my back is taking it though. Lol. But anyways, will be seeing doctor tomorrow with the results of my scan in hand, praying for good news. Hopeful news.

I know Tsz has been trying really hard to cheer me up at times when I'm totally at my lowest, but it is not of these times that I feel guilty of. Sometimes I just stone into space, while at times I even get frustrated and irritated without any solid reason whatsoever. Really can't imagine her being able to tolerate any of me.

I'm sorry.

Sometimes when I ask myself whether I could be like her if our roles were switched, the answer I get is an obvious no. I'm just not that understanding.

But I'm not going to demand myself to be like her or anything. I guess all I need to do is be appreciative. A trait I always tend to hide. Due to pride, face, or ego, it all has to go.

- triple j

2010-01-01T13:53:00.003+08:00

Happy 2010RD

I've been waiting too long for this year to come. YOG, IR, ORD. And now that its here, looking back, 2009 has been fruitful. Definitely more downs that ups, but this December sums it all. And soon I'll be planning my time and organising my life. After two years, this right has finally been transferred back to me. T/Loaned and returned.

Best case scenario, find a flexible part time job, do some volunteer work, start on Bible study, with leftover time to shop, eat and stay merry. And of course still continueing therapy.

Everything's going to change the moment 8th of Feb arrives. Not that it hasn't already.

Going to Genting in a couple of days time, hopfully it'll give me a good-o-short timeout I need.

- triple j

2009-12-29T22:06:00.003+08:00

Two Zero One Zero

Life has been relatively good to me for the past few days. The pain has lessened just a bit, and I thank God for that. Christmas came and went with a fulfilling note. I was told today that I have to extract all four of my wisdom teeth. And I had a car accident today.

But God is good, all the time.

I want to get started on something, meeting up with Ben sometime soon to see whats up his sleeves. Pretty sure I'm gunning for something meaningful, perhaps offer up my time to do some volunteer work, or get started on some Bible study. And so I'm in need for some directions and guidance... people?

And I know that Tsz has been trying to accept Him, perhaps initially for my sake, but I pray that with continuous guidance she will be able to find her own road, her own purpose, unto Him.

So lets welcome the new year, and all the 50% sales and celebrations that come along with it. And I hope my Chinese-styled any-o-how Tandoori Chicken would turn out well in time for 2010, together with my Sweet honey Pork ribs.

Accompanied by sparkling juice, chips, and mahjong for dessert.

- triple j

2009-12-23T00:36:00.002+08:00

I'm Happy

Tomorrow is the day that I've been awaiting, or not, for a long time. But today I'm happy, happy that I've come to realise that tomorrow isn't a day to know whether my prayers are answered--- because even without tomorrow, I already know that they are.

I've come to Him, with diligence and seriousness.

I've just started. To read, to learn, to listen, to change. My attitude has changed dramatically, my temper is amazingly controlled, and I would dare to even say that I've grown a lot wiser. Today I'm happy, because I'm a man of God.

Through my words, through my actions, will I be able to show others what His has taught me. But as I said, I've just started, and I pray that they'll be people out there to guide me further down this road.

And I know He'll provide.

- triple j

2009-12-21T19:29:00.002+08:00

All my cares, unto You.

I'm not going to get held up by unhappiness. No more procrastination, no more holding on to feelings. Wants. Let everything be unto His will.

I have to admit myself that I've been acting strange for awhile now. There are moments when I turn back to my selfish side, demanding my wants--- leading to folly thoughts, actions. But each time the pain comes shooting down through my leg, I get reminded. Hence the drifting off into space phenomenon.

And now its time I choose more of the latter, and this time, without needing the pain. Love, play, spite me, party, all you want, I won't interfere. I still promise I'll be here for you, giving you support when you need it most. I also promised I won't blog about you, so this will be the last.

I found this video whilst searching for this same song "Cares" to put as my background music. This simple song plays a significant role to me, especially for this period. Even till today, when I heard it play in the car, I cried.

I don't exactly have a solid itinerary for Christmas or the New Year, but I doubt I'll be at home though. Won't be going crazy and out-and-about like what I predicted the last time, more of going for church services and planning for the new year.

Two more days before my scan report comes out. I pray. I cast all my cares upon You.

- triple j

2009-12-15T21:13:00.003+08:00

Being Thankful

December is here but I don't seem to feel any pre christmas or new year celebratory moods sinking into me. And to think that this year end is supposed to be the most sought-after, memorable, anticipated one. Sigh. But I'm learning to cease my complaints, and rather just be thankful for every single day--- including every instance of pain and ache. Just received an sms from Eujinn:

Be blessed and rejoice in this day that the Lord has made.

The final results of my MRI scan are coming out soon, so now there is nothing much I can do but wait, pray, and be hopeful. Never in my life would I have thought that I would undergo such a period whereby I'm completely helpless; even during my surgery I still hung on to the notion that no one undermines my life BUT me. I trusted in only me, myself, and I.

What a pig.

During this past weeks I've not only discovered what's realistically good for me, but also who's important. And I know this for sure, because these are the first people you pick up the phone to call after coming to know a life-changing information. Such as the one that I've had. Yes, these may be the people of whom you might already expect to be, but it is the amount of reliance that you have on these people during those times that will really surprise you.

And for some, you might realise that the few people you had actually expected to be, didn't quite make the mark after all.

And so begins my countdown to my trip down to SGH again, and hopefully my not-confirmed trip to Genting too. I shall stay happy, this time, not to act like a happy-go-lucky guy, but rather, to be genuinely happy for everything I have right now. Cheers.

- triple j

2009-12-10T10:34:00.003+08:00

Dear God,

Help me be a better friend.

Help me be a better boyfriend.

Help me be a better brother.

Help me be a better son.

Help me be a better person.

Help me be a better servant.

I've opened my eyes; remind me everyday to keep it that way.

But not through physical pain O Lord. Bless me, heal me.

Amen.

2009-11-30T17:26:00.006+08:00

How to know its love?

Its really strange how human nature is, actually. Not only do we gloat at people's misfortunes, but we also honestly think we can understand how these people feel, bodily pain and all. That's a load of rubbish really. As long as we're not directly involved in a dire situation, we are emotionally and psychologically immune from its effects.

Its too easy to read the papers about accidents, comatose, and deaths--- especially those of children ---and a wave of sympathy and pity starts thrashing about within our hearts. We send wreaths, condolences and even money. Yes, that's our conscience doind its part. Well, a good 5 seconds of it.

Today I was told, no actually I already knew quite a while ago, that my condition isn't actually going through the normal road to recovery. I'm trying not to be pessimistic here, in fact, I look at people around me with a whole new perspective. I've become what I never thought this over-confident-self-reliant-obnoxious personality of mine would be--- being hopeful. Thankful.

There are only a handful of people of whom I actually told this to, and from their reactions, I actually can see everything. I wrote on the first paragraph that one has to only be not directly involved to escape the responsibility of being genuinely concerned. Well, this time, I could tell who actually placed themselves of a direct immediate relationship with me.

And regardless, I'm still thankful with the results.

A man was walking with his girlfriend when he finally said, "Baby, I've got some bad news to tell you. And its going to affect us."

His girlfriend looked up at him with a worrisome look, urging him to continue.

"Remember my aching knee that has been giving me pain? My doctor informed me that it turned out to be something more... I'll have problems carrying out daily activities and need to undergo therapy, at least for the next couple of years."

His girlfriend stared into his eyes, ruffled his hair, and whispered, "I'll always be here for you, silly." she giggled, "At most I'll be your portable walking stick."

The man smiled, put his hands around her and kissed her forehead, knowing for sure that he's the luckiest guy around to have her.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Later that night she turned to him again and frowned, "So what's this bad news that you wanted to tell me?"

Now, that's love.

And luck has nothing to do with it.

- triple j

2009-11-27T00:35:00.004+08:00

Seven days

Don't know whether its coincidental or not, but the number seven seems to be particularly interesting and close to me at this point of time. 7 days to December, 7 days for everything to take place, 7 days to forget.

Its a pity that I am, believable or not, emotional. Or maybe foolish would be a more appropiate term. Four words sums it all up: What was I thinking?

Now that its Day 3 and moving on to Day 4, half the battle is won. I refuse to allow myself to think, do, hope. Just taking everything, everyday, like it was before. I think I'm coping pretty well, other than the occasional little devils dancing around my head--- which are reducing in numbers as I speak. Write. Type. Whatever.

I'm not going to betray myself, nor encourage my feelings. I have thought all that I could, said all that I wanted, and put everything down to where it is, already. Its time to not only embrace what I have, but also what I don't. I'm satisfied.

Yes, its cold turkey. But I'm sure its going to be honey-glazed and roasted by the time Day 7 arrives.

It'll be a genuine contented smile, planted on my face.

- triple j

2009-11-21T10:11:00.004+08:00

I not stupid

Was on the bus a few days back when the thing that I never thought could actually happen, did. The bus uncle made a wrong turn, turning right towards Tanah Merah instead of a left to Simei, leaving everyone on the bus quite pissed. It was after all 730am on a weekday.

'We are One' charity drive organised by Lego Singapore and Mediacorp was a good initiative that would probably would have turned out successful. The idea was simple enough: Donate $2 for a brick. Guess the problem here is that Singaporeans are less willing to give when all they can see are their $2 bills turning into insignificant, not to mention small, Lego bricks. Think $10 to get just 5 bricks. Not appealing.

Change it to $2 for a single piece of mahjong paper which would then be taped together would have probably received better reception. At least ah-sohs can point and say, "Eh look! Thats my mahjong paper over there."

I'm just assuming that this charity drive is encountering some difficulty based on the repeated attempts by the media to constantly encourage donations. S$1 million isn't too hard of a goal to achieve considering the involvement of big gun companies. Its not over, so lets all help out yea?

After everything that has happened so far, I'm supposed to be feeling at ease. But I'm not. Everything is still in my head and I desperately want to forget all about it. Its strange, and perhaps scary, that I am both ultra-sensitive to details and also especially talented in masking my thoughts. This combination of personalities only results in me knowing what you're doing, what you're intending to do, to me, to yourself, but not revealing to you one bit of what I actually know; just waiting to see how long this can last.

I'm not exactly one who is meticulous in pinpointing every single detail that is occuring around me, but I wouldn't say I couldn't if I wanted to.

I know I'm being lied to.

I just choose to smile.

- triple j

2009-11-13T22:21:00.006+08:00

Heck it

Sometimes I just don't know what to think. Frankly speaking, I don't even know what's on her mind. One moment it seems like that, and on another its back to square one. She says all these promising things, but it ends with a bag of question marks. I've been juggling with all these thoughts till I don't even bother to decide on anything, anymore. Heck.

- triple j

2009-11-07T11:03:00.003+08:00

Twenty

06.11.2009. The date has come even before I knew it, a significant milestone that not only marks the journey into pre-adulthood, but also a date that gives me the confirmation needed to proclaim, with great surety, that theres 3 more months left.

Seeing the beginnings of Christmas advertisements in the papers and all that talk of lightings along Orchard Road are just further reminders that 2009 is coming to an end. Can't believe my once thought worst year possible turned out to be fine, after all. Peers are starting to get prepped-up to ORD, planning holidays, discussing about school, work. And I'm siting down everyday, thinking about my year's accomplishments already.

Would like to take this opportunity to pray for Ben, who has just undergone an operation and is now going through recuperation. A process worse than the surgery itself, a process that I of all people can understand. Hope to meet up with him soon.

Also, regardless of what she has turned into, or think she has, I believe she has what it takes to change back. Back into someone I can recognise, someone I once knew.

For the past week or so, everything changed for me. Events taking place one after another has finally made an impression--- casting doubts that seek to overturn all that I know ---stopping me in my tracks to examine myself. And whats important.

When siting, standing, sneezing or coughing brings pain. When it disrupts your way of life, the way you walk, the way you move. Sometimes things like this needs to happen for one to appreciate the truly basic privileges that one tends to ignore.

So you're not wrong to say that I've changed, because, I appreciate.

- triple j

2009-10-24T22:52:00.005+08:00

Nobody nobody but, you.

You turn a blind eye to negative instances of the other,

Shut your ears to sounds long etched inside your head;

Swallowing gulps for the sole purpose to stay happy,

Reminding yourself time and again that you're not getting hurt;

It is why a smile creeps up instead of a frown,

When moving on seems--- too easy.

That's Love.

- triple j

2009-10-16T18:16:00.004+08:00

Divert it.

Week 2 is about to come to an end, and I've just been informed that I've to undergo three more hours of it tomorrow. Sigh. Time in camp has been relatively well though, some changes regarding numerous aspects--- including the addition of a joker who carries a banana in a gun like fashion ---occured during my absense, but nothing like a laugh to sum up a day in Supply Coy.

Four more months, baby.

And as if knowing the entire blueprint of SGH ain't enough, physiotheraphy over the weeks has been anything but physiotheraphy; from jogging on the treadmill to strength exercises that requires me to be in all these weird positions; these 'streches', as they call it, always leaves me perspiring at the end of the hour long sessions. So much for the be-gentle-on-your-back advice, huh.

A random walk into Popular at TM a while back proved to be rewarding too; after waiting for 12 months or so, the small print of Handle with Care by publisher Hodder has arrived in Singapore bookstores and sat right in front of me on the display shelves! I've been resisting to purchase its hardcover version for awhile now, namely because by far I've only bought Jodi's small-prints. And lets just say I've got a thing for tiny fonts and go no further. Well I'm halfway through it, and hell its good. Love Jodi.

Now with the realisation that the year is going to end, and national service ceases to be my life (not part thereof), I've began to think on whether I should divert my attention to things at hand. Numerous tries does not justify continuity. Maybe I have been stupid, wanting things I've myself labelled as 'unwantable'--- minute gestures too insignificant to even to be expected of.

Only that they were, to me. Were.

- triple j

2009-10-07T11:18:00.006+08:00

If tomorrow never comes

Thats it. Just like that, another 31 days has flew by without so much as a pause for me to take a breather. I can't say for certain that I'm overly excited going back to camp, but nonetheless, the feelings ain't bad either: think of breakfast, sleeping bag and games. Smile.

I just cut my hair--- my beautiful flowy long hair ---a moment ago. For a minute there I was transported back to 08/04/08, the day before enlistment. So now I'm back to square one, and by square one I mean the uniquely-nsf-ugly-haircut look. Another peek at myself in the mirror and I am going to cry. Talk about deja vu.

I'm going to be busy for the next two weeks doing stressful mindless stuff running around pacifying kids, but after which it'll be relaxation all the way till Santa Claus comes home. Can't believe I'm saying this, but its already a double-digit month! Time has certainly played its trick on all of us yet again.

And oh yea! I've been talking about going overseas once my army days draws to a close, but now that its finally here, can't help but know that nothing will in fact take place. People can't commit, parents might not allow, schedules don't permit etc. Just a realisation that people aren't as adventurous as I hope they would be.

Just wanna keep on smiling.

- triple j

2009-09-26T22:49:00.006+08:00

Ending with a laugh

I lost weight. From the time during my op till now, a total of 5kilos. And I guess it would have been more, if not for my massive snacking. But that's not it, just weighed myself again and realised I lost yet another o.5kg over this last two days. Now this, I attribute not to my surgery, but to everything that has happened over the couple of days.

I think I should have a change of profession and be a counsellour instead. One that specialises in anger management. Everyone is so consumed by their frustrations that they fail to see the big picture. What do you intend to get after this whole thing is over? Do you really get satisfaction by indulging yourselves in the name of venting?

After arguing, raising your voices, shouting, screaming, hurling vulgarities--- does it really solve anything? Does shouting louder prove that you care more for me? Does it improve YOUR relationship with me?

The only one geting slammed, dunked and slapped is me.

I just need, no, I just hopeee someone would come up to me, and tell me "It's okay, I understand. I'll take a step back." But Man is ever so selfish, constantly immersing themselves with bitter competition. But I'm glad that its over though. Its about time the hatchet is buried.

But just one more, all it takes is just for one more provocation of any kind...

Alritey, regardless, something tickled me this morning after reading the papers: Ris Low, the reigning Miss Singapore World. I have no qualms in coming to a conclusion that The Straits Times did this interview to help salvage her reputation, with several paragraphs toning down her total ignorance to reality and conjuring up an image of a 'bubbly girl' for her. But these comments by her blew away all possible rescuing, even after exhausting the entire vocabulary of the English language. Yes, I'm refering to the Queen's one.

"After looking at the RazorTV interview, I think I rate myself zero. At least I'm frank."
You mean you still need to think to come to that conclusion?

"If I can't find the right word, I'll just go 'boom!' I have no idea where that comes from."
Yea I haven't have a clue too. But I know its definitely not from somewhere: your brain.

With regards to the Yellow Ribbon Project:
"These people are really smart and they do deserve their second chance in life. I mean, they have to be smart in order to create some crimes right? Not saying I'm smart. If I'm smart, I wouldn't get caught."
*Prays* Oh Dear God, please forgive her as she does not know what she is doing.

She wants to be an air stewardess for two years, what she calls a 'high-class waitress'.
Well I wouldn't want to be in the same plane as you, who knows, what if it goes "Boomz!'?

Challenging her online critics, she says they don't have courage to say face to face and repeat their stand.
Tell me the time and venue, I'll be there.

She wants to go on RazorTV again to show that her English is not that bad.
*Prays* Dear God, I thought I told you to forgive her! You don't need to use her to execute your plan in Revelations.

- triple j

2009-09-19T11:09:00.002+08:00

Its up to me

Hard to believe I'm saying this, especially since I was complaining just a week before, but time is really passing fast. First it was longest two weeks of my life, followed by the most disappointing week, and now its the fastest. One thing is certain though, time is constant, Man ain't.

I always believe that the power of the mind rules every single aspects of our pitiful lives. Be it an ambition, a religious belief, a perceived interaction, a miracle--- all a result of our very own doing. That is why I choose to trust and seek comfort in myself.

And I'm not particularly excited about my ability to let my hair grow long, its going to come to an end soon anyway. This unexpected heck-care attitude with regards to my appearence doesn't really bother me either. Hope this irregular psychological phase of mine will be short lived.

Or maybe, I'm just growing up.

- triple j

2009-09-13T09:39:00.004+08:00

Rambling

Oh yes! Sunday is here again, not that I'm actually counting or anything. Truth is, by immersing myself with stuff to do, places to go, and away from the calender, days go by preeetty well. At least I'm smiling now and geting back to my old jolly self. This duration really tested my patience like a monk-in-training or something.

So I hereby confer myself with the Grandmaster Abbot title.

You know when doctors tell you its not going to hurt, it does; and when they say its going to hurt just a little--- "like an ant bite" they say ----it hurts alot anyway. Nurses are more honest (they'll tell you straight in the face to bear with it). So well, that about sums up my ordeal: Pain and inconvinience.

My last memory before I was articficially comatosed was the bright surgical floodlights overhead, and my last vision of reality was basically a wall clock that read '12.55pm'. I swore never to forget that.

I had to wear this surgical coat, which was by far one of the worst fashion disaster other than the 'jeans-sports shoes' combination, before I was wheeled in. Didn't think so much about it, only praying with my most sincerest of heart that there'll be no injections prior to the surgery. Damn was I naive.

I was anticipating the anaethetic's proclaimed effects, always wanting to experience a chemical induced black-out. And let me tell you now that it works. Two mere breaths of the WonderOxygen, and I was out cold. No sounds, no dreams.

Thank God.

Maybe now I would have the guts to catch that movie 'Awake'.

- triple j

2009-09-09T12:52:00.002+08:00

Recovering

These past weeks has been by far the worst days of my life. No one can even begin to comprehen what I had to go through during this period, not even myself so to speak. The ordeal was somewhat an eye opener (how many people can say they've been through a major surgery), realising not just the physical things in front of me, but appreciating those that I don't. Didn't, rather.

I can begin blabbering about the entire procedure on that fateful day I was wheeled into the surgical theatre, with the blaring lights and uncountable injections and all, but I'd rather not do it now. Because this is the time for me to stop, look back.

I'm still recovering.

I wasn't angry yesterday, just can't help but sigh. If you don't trust me, the least you could do is not to accuse me based on your assumptions. I may not be someone who handles circumstances perfectly, but think I still do a decent job at it. Don't put me down so easily, even if its at the spur of the moment. Its not easy for me too, whether you believe it or not.

I do keep my promises. I care.

- triple j

2009-09-02T11:44:00.006+08:00

Finally

Its about time my Blogger gets up and running. Even forgot which photographs I'm suppose to post.

And I'm geting through life, slowly but steady.

- triple j

2009-08-30T17:01:00.001+08:00

I'm not back, yet

Don't get me wrong, me being able to blog doesn't mean I'm already well and good. Truth is, I'm far from that, still counting down these barely-tolerable days before I'm set free. As in literally, plaster-wise.

And people, please don't try to visit me, if you're wondering whether I'm bedridden, well I'm not. So put your hearts at ease, or curse it, which ever way it goes. Operation was a success (well if you even call HAVING one in the first place a success) and I'm well. But then again, being 'well' is somewhat relative.

Within this roting exterior of mine, I'm desperate. Desperate for my promised new lease of life.

Urgh.

- triple j

2009-08-19T21:23:00.003+08:00

I'll be back

I have this very strange feeling that my com has some sort of a virus. First it was Blogger, and now its Hotmail. But a check using another com seem to show the same results. Hmm. Help?

I don't need anyone to visit me, or worse be scared/nervous in my place. Save it for those who actually respond positively to such cheap emotional tactics. How many times must I repeat myself that its counterproductive? And how many MORE times must I proclaim that my HEAD rules my HEART? Mere psychological pampering ain't gonna do nothin' to me.

I appreciate all that concern from people, but really, sometimes things just need to be left as it is. That is, untouched and undisturbed. Leave me alone, spare me all the comments and regards, and I'll be fine. More than fine, in fact. I can differentiate the genuine concerns from those of the courtesy gestures: A handful, at most.

Sometimes its just enough knowing that those few people care.

And I want to do something substantial with my life after all this is over, something that has momentum, that stimulates my ever-decaying mind of mine--- and I hope to start it soon. NOW. After waiting for so long, growing numb as times passes, planning my To-Do lists over and over again, its time to execute it. No more slacking and wasting my negative2years youth value any longer.

Positive! Positive! Positive!

- triple j

2009-08-14T18:53:00.004+08:00

Worst days

I can't even begin describing my ordeal over the past weekend, never in my life have I actually experienced such tormenting circumstances, especially those that just seem to target me alone. As if things couldn't get any worse.

My common flu that friday mutated to a wrenching inability to breathe properly; I was unable to sleep, eat right, talk more that an occasionally word, and stand longer than 30 seconds. Not to mention walk. It was so bad till I had to disembark from the MRT midway of my journey, make my way out of the station, and dial my mum to come pick me up to send me to a doc. Which turned out to be in A&E.

When I saw myself in the mirror, I didn't know humans can actually turn THIS white. Horrible image.

And don't ask me why was I even out that day. I was just being me. Aka dumb with a capital D.

The doctor (of whom may I add, seriously lacks basic EQ) excluded H1N1 and I was sent home STILL having that cursed shortness of breath. Hooray to Singapore's very own decisive, caring, and up-to-date medical infrastructure; leaving me fending for myself throughout the holidays, armed with just cheap antibiotics.

And also a MC so graciously given to me for that day. A SUNDAY.

Just yesterday went for my pre-surgery checkup at SGH (praise God), but again not a very pleasant experience. Had a blood test, spine measurement, ECG etc. done. And did I mention BLOOD TEST? Blood as in the red gooey liquid that is supposed to stay INside of me. The delicate epidermal layer, also known as skin, is meant to be intact--- any proding around it (or rather, into it) is just against international human rights I tell you.

They took 5 vials of my blood mind you. FIVE. You might as well treat me as a POW.

And so concludes this eventful week, filled with pain, sickness and stress. Hooray. I'm still coughing, with volumes of phlegm from god-knows where stuck in my sore oral canal. And to top things off last night, my idiotic brother just promoted himself to a fully commisioned Bastard.

Sir yes sir.

- triple j

2009-08-08T19:07:00.002+08:00

Six more months, baby.

No one can understand the immense excitment within me right now. After all that enduring, slogging, the time to ORD is drawing near--- half a year to be exact. *Hyperventilates* God, I need an aspirn.

Why does it seem that I have this strange affinity with irony? Wanted desperately to fall sick few days ago, and now that the weekends are here, I AM sick. Fever, cough, flu, sore throat, cold sweat, I've got them all. How exciting, spending my saturday at home.

My surgery is nearing, in fact it has been moved to an earlier date. Like omg. Waiting more than a year already, I'm both physically and mentally prepared for it. And just so to note, I don't need, OR want, any sympathy from anyone in particular: I'm allergic to encouragement; its just counterproductive. Thus my lips are sealed on the exact surgery date. Just know that its soon. S-O-O-N.

I'm going to be back on my feet, goofing around, annoying every little bit of your patience left for me, before you know it. Ohyea~

~~I want nobody, nobody, but you! *clap clap* *clap* I want nobody...~~

And I CAN do the dance, too.

- triple j

2009-08-06T21:04:00.001+08:00

Grrr

Can someone please tell me what's wrong with my Blogger? The text editing header doesn't seem to appear anymore; I can't change my font, change text size or upload any pictures up. Tried using the other com and my sis laptop to no avail.

Unabling to post photos up sure is a bummer, after all, I did continue my quest in the kitchen, coming up with amazing results such as my Warm Potato Salad. Damn nice I tell you, didn't expect that vinegar went extremely well with potatoes. Kudos to those who even managed to come up with such absurd perfections. And posting them online for noobs like me to enjoy.

Went ahead with my not-so-regular-jog yesterday when the strangest thing occured. The thing was that I was supposed to help Daryl buy his cigarettes that evening, and so I did. Being the virgin here, I stepped into a Fairprice outlet at a petrol kiosk with the calmness of a seasoned smoker expecting nothing more than my very pack of cigarettes.

And that was when the auntie looked at me and asked for my IC.

Don't laugh as yet, because frankly, I couldn't actually blame her. I do admit that I look way younger than my years at times. Agreed?

And so I left the outlet empty handed as I didn't bring my IC along for my jog. Talk about embarrassing--- but I would like to take that as a compliment, in fact. So I jogged to a mama shop nearby and this time, I slammed the money down on the counter the moment I stepped in: creating an aura of a chain smoker. *grins*

And it worked! Now all thats left was the very sight of me, jogging back home, with that packet of cigarettes in hand. Talk about irony, eh?

- triple j

2009-07-30T22:14:00.005+08:00

Enough

I've just came back from a jog. Have to admit that my exercising has taken a couple of steps back though; I'm just not as enthusiastic as before. Or rather, the pain in my spine and knee is taking its toll on me. Hais.

The month of July is coming to a pass, which only means my already-numbered days are dwindling. I'm not the very least excited about it, but life nowadays is that monotonous such to the point that anything--- including this ---seems like a good idea to drag me out of this dull cycle.

Why is it that my definition of trust seem to be so foreign to others, so distant from their own perception of it? What does it mean to love unconditionally? Its really nothing but a matter of the 'chicken or the egg' debate: Are we supposed to trust first before loving, or love first before trusting?

Do we love back only when we know we're being loved, or do we love first knowing that they would, in time, love back? Sucks either way, come to think of it. Unconditional love, pleasee.

But regardless of which, realise that none of the both scenarios actually compasses PARANOIA. Because that, at least in my books, spells nothing more than utter failure.

Failure in trust. Failure in understanding. Failure in love, itself.

I am very very much disappointed. And for once, I'm not speaking in codes, because honestly, I'm sick of it.

But life's simple pleasures takes my mind off things:

(picture of my Salmon w Hollandaise to be uploaded)

- triple j

2009-07-23T20:20:00.002+08:00

Drama serial Ep02
and I'm in it.

Think its been awhile since I blogged on consecutive days. Maybe its because I'm currently using my sis laptop and have a secret fetish with laptop keys, either that, or its because I really have nothing better to do.

Papers today wrote about a lack of ethical firmness between colleages in the medical field. They say its the lack of emphasis inculcated in the NUS' syllabus. I say its just the mindset of every single Singaporean student: Education excellence cum achievements are of topmost priority, and lack of professionalism is not good enough of a reason to topple that.

Meritocracy at its worst.

Can't stop listening to this song that I received yesterday night. Its not some song with legendary vocals, but it affects me all the same. Have to admit though, without the lyrics so conveniently attached to it (hehe), I probably would have a hard time deciphering its meaning. C'mon, its in mandarin.

But I'm in love with it.

And if you're wondering why I'm using my sis com, my home computer has cocked-up. Thank God I backed up all my info into a hardisk, but pity that I can't post some photos up. Including those of which I took of my masterpiece: Grilled Salmon w Hollandaise.

Inspired by my uncle, I took a go at it--- and wham! A creation rivaling that of Picasso's is born.

I've decided not to think so much about it, let time take its course. Isn't that what I always preach? So now its time to put it into practice. I've never experienced a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g close to this, though.

But, smile.

- triple j

2009-07-20T21:53:00.014+08:00

When life throws u a bomb
Throw it back, harder.

Okay, so the past few weeks haven't exactly been very fulfilling or life gratifying, but as usual, there's always still something to blog about.

I've got a new founded passion for Nicholas Sparks' love stories; mainly those that unfolds in unrealistic environments (occuring alongside breathtaking beach sides) with unfortunate incidents which takes characters into a whirlwind of a spin and somehow back into each other's arms. Beautiful. *sobs*

And everyone above the age of 4 months seems to be rushing to watch scar-faced Potter this week (even aunties who require every facial muscle available to prounounce his name), making it difficult for laggards like me who intended to watch OTHER movies to get a ticket. Had to make my way from Tampines to Downtown in the end. Mafan.

#1 Hot topic of Did-you-knows: Emma Watson is one hot SMART girl--- she scored straight As for her GCE A levels. L-i-k-e-O-h-M-y-G-o-d-L-a-r

Yes, and I went out shopping at Raffles City area couple of days ago; finally got my white shoe which I was devilishly eyeing. At first I was intending to check out the so called 'Sale' I was informed via an sms. Turned out their definition of 'Sale prices' bottoms out from $800+. Now what's up with that. -.-

Lately, I can't help but notice my affinity, or aptitude as I would put it, with my creation of thought provoking quotes. Or at least provoking in the right direction, I hope. Not that its a bad thing though... being able to show off my pitiful command of English is a chance I would pounce at. But being able to reread what I've wrote, and actually nodding with the purest of agreement, with the knowing that people are reacting in that same way, is quite rewarding in itself. *grins*

And now armed with a book that my uncle gave to me entitled A Puritan Golden Treasury, I'm ready to advance my self worth to a status of ultimate distinction. Not geting my sudden surge of enthusiasm? Well Google the term 'Puritan' and you'll understand my position. Lol.

My uncle entrusted his beloved books to me last monday, over a dinner personally cooked by him. Not too bad I must say, picked up a few pointers myself. Grilled butter salmon and Palm Beach prawns.

And soon it'll be my turn to have a go. Volunteers to be guinea pigs, anyone?

An update: My surgery will take place at the end of next month, which leaves me about a month of movable freedom. I'm not too scared, sad or nervous about it, as I said before I've long gotten over that phase right after the realisation of my plight. I'm just happy I've got people around me who care.

"Its strange how something of a certain magnitude must take place in order to appreciate the insignificant ones.

Like love."

Have I gotten over everything in relation to my previous post? No. But neither am I going to deny the harsh words that I've said--- because, honestly, I meant everything I said, even now. What I'm going to do now, is to not only move on, but to take everthing along with me.

All the memories, the anger, the sadness, the regret. The lessons.

Finally, my well wishes and prayers go out to Dr. William Tan, patient and fighter of leukemia. Its a battle that he will fight till the end.

Yes, and Spongebob has reached a ripe old age of 10. Its fame has by far exceeded all expectations worldwide, with the real credit going to Squidward of course. Kind of reminds me of myself: think along the lines of the lack of pathetic childish humour?

*Edited: Just listened to a beautiful song. My heart is melting. Crying.

- triple j

2009-07-11T14:48:00.004+08:00

Two person's opinions are enough
One of them is me, and the another ain't you.

Its official. My hate club's membership has just increased double fold, no thanks to a public scene that only happens in Hong Kong dramas. Beautiful, isn't it?

I'm sure am not going to start complaining about my plight (yes my plight, god damn it), because this incident has, once and for all, shone light into people's true intentions and character--- or their LACK of it for that matter.

I don't have to explain anything to anyone, they can judge me for all I care. But for those who so casually decided to join the rest of the gang to make cynical remarks about my decisions and 'despicable' character, I have this to say to you: Don't act as if you know what's happening. Don't put yourselves up onto the altar of the relationship-all-knowing guru. DON'T judge when you have absolutely nothing to be proud about.

So get yourselves into a relationship, solve all the obstacles and arguments that you will face (or not, since you all are such professors in affairs of the heart), and keep it lasting for 10 years (or 30, since you all are such perfectionists that 10 is WAY too little) before you even start judging me.

Because in the end, after all the comments and curses that you all have so graciously handed to me, you're still alone.

So go back to your Lala Univerisity of Losers, throw away your worthless PhDs in Relationships, demand a refund, and pick up a post graduate course on "Am I really a bastard?".

Bunch of hypocritical fools.

But after all this, I'm glad. Because after all the wrong decisions that I might have made, I know now. I really do. Smile =)

- triple j

2009-07-03T23:17:00.003+08:00

Ramblings
when life's a bore...

Wow it really has been quite a while since I've updated this rotting space of mine, not that I have anything in particular to ramble about; other than my upcoming surgery which I would say is pretty much confirmed--- and of course the fact that HALF the year has PASSED.

Definitely not the fastest of times, but as always, I'm not complaining.

Did a little bit of shopping so far, still not impressed by the GSS though, don't even know whether my buys were worth it. Don't you ever have this feeling of "Yay I'm so happy with what I've bought today!" after a day of shopping? Well this time, its not there.

In fact its a little bit of regret. Lol.

Walked around Raffles City when I noticed couple of AYG atheletes around... which brings me to the scenes that I saw on TV with regards to the atheletics events. No matter what sort of events, be it sprinting, triple jump or group catagories, as long as they are those that resulted in the 'disfigurement' of their appearences, every single Korean & Japanese girls seem to be very much concerned over their hairdo after every race.

Now that I find extremely hillarious. Youths will be youths. Girls will be girls.

Finally, I'm going to have my craving for bbq food satisfied. I'm personally am going to make sure there are enough meat of all sorts there, hence the trip down to NTUC to meet the guys just before the pit starts burning. Let there be beef, pork, chicken and fishes of all sizes!

Mum's birthday is coming, racking my head to think of a surprise for my beloved-est of beloveds!

Judgement day will arrive on the 6th July 2009.

And life will begin yet again on the 8th of Feb 2010.

- triple j

2009-06-21T15:59:00.007+08:00

Shop & Eat
Sleep?

Is it just me or does this year's GSS feel really pathetic? I haven't exactly went out specifically to shop, but I've had my walks around shopping malls, and things don't really quite feel as right as compared to the past years. Something's missing.

More discounts.

Lucky for me, currently I'm not into the I-must-buy-something-for-the-sake-of-buying mood, so shopping can be put on hold for a while... well at least until GSS is about to end. 26 July. Now what I'm eyeing is just a pair of semi casual white shoes I spotted at Vivo. Someone get it for me pleeaasee.

And has anyone tried the Crispy boneless chicken from one of the Korean snacks booth at Vivo's basement? Omg let me tell you its the best 鳮扒 (chicken cutlet) I've tasted for a long long time, with its reputation ruined in the hands of numerous so-called "Taiwan eateries" popping all over the place.

This has no layers of fatty skin, no plum powder, no chilli powder/pepper--- pure delicious chicken cutlet. And at only $3.50 for a mighty above-average size piece of succulent meat, its a steal. 4/5 from me.

Next, still on food, I inisist that everybody go check out the Deep-fried Pork bun from one of the snacks booth (春__阁) at Tampines 1's basement. It's right at the basement's entrance, in front of Kim Gary's, so you can't miss it.

Words alone would just smear the reputation and experience that its taste had given me. $3.00 for 5 pieces. 4.5/5. Get ur butt off the chair and get it NOW!

Paintball photos with BX geting birthday-hit will be up if I'm not lazy.

Results of my scan and confirmation of my surgery date would be revealed on 2nd July. Mmm.

- triple j

2009-06-12T23:36:00.004+08:00

Trust
Hah.

I will not further emphasize how irritatingly humid the weather has been for the past weeks. Its already 2300hrs and I'm still perspiring just walking a couple of steps. Global warming.

This week past fairly quick--- seriously thanking God for the distractions in camp ---and unknowingly, its JUNE. And guess what that means: Eight more months to ORD.

Don't simply put me down and label me a logical-headed guy. Because the truth is, if it ain't logical, its wrong. Emotions only make a wrong seems less a wrong, like when a mother kills to revenge her murdered son; ultimately, its still a sin.

Less a wrong? Less a sin? Pardonable? Logic, still reigns.

I don't need to explain myself to anyone; even if I do, it's because its a want and not a need. So don't expect, don't judge me. I only answer to myself, and believe it, I find your ways childish and utterly selfish. Life is so much more that your feelings, your wants.

Your demands.

I hope I don't have to repeat myself when I say that life is actually that simple: You either take a left turn, or a right. Its when people try to insist on a straight road that problems arise.

But no matter what, I am still true to myself. No grudges, no anger, no hatred, no hard feelings. I am still Jolly J, and will always be.

Because, that would be the only logical thing to do.

That very same logic that you condemned.

Federer is king. So everybody just shut up.

- triple j

2009-06-06T12:26:00.005+08:00

Moving on
Yes, I am.

Guess what. Ever since the last weekend of packing, nothing has been done to the rest of my room. Yet. So I'm going to continue my quest for neatness NOW.

Went to Ikea with my mum, bought a couple of storage stuff to keep all my secondary and JC books and notes. Yes, s-e-c-o-n-d-a-r-y. I'm a guy that likes to hang on to bits of the past for memories. New age emotional man.

But the stuffs aren't the point, its their Salmon Sandwich thats worth the input in this post. They're sold at the same counter as their $1 hotdogs (which I must say is too cheap to the point of suspicion) and they cost $3.90--- totally worth it. So its a cold sub that rates 3/5 on my tastebuds!

My mum bought the mustard sauce that they used in the sandwich too. Yum.

Reached home and continued snacking and munching, until my mum had to comment on my sudden surge of appetite. But I replied her with my motto: The two most important things in life are sleep and food. And that I'm just living with accordance to that. Lol.

Okay, I'm leaving the packing to tomorrow. Lazy.

And the weather is so in-your-face these past weeks. Air-con Air-con~!

- triple j

2009-05-30T10:00:00.008+08:00

I'm happy

Yes I am.

Decided to get started with some packing of my room; after much procrastination, its about time I actually did something. Starting from my ultra stuffed wadrobe. And, as with my folders in my computer, my wadrobe is also full of pieces of history that I never seem to be able to JUST THROW AWAY.

In the end, after pouring out most of my clothes on the floor, the verdict: 80+ tops (excluding home clothes), 20+ bottoms and a couple of bags. Man, thats alot of linen, cotten, silk and dry-fit all into one heap of fabrics.

But hold your horses! That doesn't mean that I have alot of clothes, not at all. It just means I have loads of unwanted clothes, thats all. Lol. And because of that, after much sorting out, all I'm left is just a handfull that I can see myself ever wearing again.

Currently there's still a pile of clothes on the floor, and I'm not too sure what to do about that. But anyways, my wadrobe is super neat, toiletries (its not alot damn it) and all!

Now all that's left is just the rest of the entire room. Piece of cake.

"It is better to have loved and lost then to have never have loved before."

But its way better to have loved and never to have lost it in the first place. Something of which I didn't have the privillege of having. But I'm still happy, nonetheless.

I went to the food fair at Expo and the John Little Mega Sales beside it. Food + Shopping--- Life is good to me this weekend.

- triple j

2009-05-27T21:58:00.006+08:00

Stop
and start again.

I'm currently in the process of sorting out all my documents and folders on my computer. I know this ain't the first time I'm doing this, but hey, I like my things neat and organised (by phases, years, months and data types etc). Besides, my gut feeling tells me this piece of metal is going to crash anytime soon, so I'm backing up my data before it disappears with the rest of them.

Loads and loads of past hilariously funny photographs that was uncovered, to be uploaded if I've got the time!

My informations, school works, projects, songs and photographs are as hell as important to me--- even right down to my primary school study plans and the huge logbooks of self-created diet timetables (which failed miserably). Ahhh... memories.

The past few days has been exhausting, if I might so dare to say. I am emotionally and mentally drained--- and to think that just a week ago I claimed to be rejuvenated. Hah. How naive.

I'm not going to let whatever that has happened affect me in carrying out my daily activities from now on. I'm going to be logical and objective. Jokes and laughter will still make up a majority of my 24 hours. And caring for those I care about is of my utmost agenda.

I need them as much as they need me.

Call me hard hearted. Claim that I've changed. Insist that I'm sacarstic. Because at the end of the day, I'm still the same old Jolly Jason.

And I don't need ANYONE to tell me otherwise.

- triple j

2009-05-24T17:04:00.004+08:00

Update
its May.

I'm siting here watching beads of perspiration along my arms and neck (sexy, eh?). The weather is crazily HOT today! I don't even want to step out of the house right now, just a moment earlier I experienced enough UV rays during my tanning session. And coming from someone who actually likes the sun, this says alot.

May is coming to an end, which means its yet another month closer to my surgery, to my ORD. Have I gotten over the fear of the operation? Somewhat, but I guess its a bittersweet emotion to have right now. Like I always say, "When you think you're one of the best, be humble in knowing that there's always someone better than you. And when you think you're the lousiest, take comfort in knowing that there's always someone worst off than you are."

I must have gotten that quote from somewhere, because when I re-read the above, I realised I couldn't have thought of something so philosophically profound yet sane, given my intellectual capacity. But regardless, live life to the fullest, stay happy.

Went to do a little bit of shopping recently, and my conclusion: retail theapy is made for me. But I still need to buy a pair of white semi formal shoes. And that NAUTICA bag. And slippers. Jeans. Belt. Watch. Another pair of shoes. Lol.

I found the king of all nuts at NTUC a few days back, introduced to me by my ma'am. Shrimp flavoured peanuts that comes in a can! Not too sure what the brand is, but its selling at $3.30 at NTUC. Go get it, you won't regret it. And please, avoid the coffee flavoured ones.

Kris won Adam. Pity. Because Danny should have won.

- triple j

2009-05-17T11:27:00.004+08:00

Rejuvenated
reboot.

It's about time I feel this way; rejuvenated, refreshed. My head was in a mess, yet a complete blank all the same. Sorting out my thoughts has never been so difficult but yet idiotically obvious to me. And time will help me, God help me too.

Also, admist all the commotion this past week, there's something to rejoice and be thankful about. People have been telling me they knew this would happen right from the start (makes me wonder what would happen if it didn't), but it was really a pleasant surprise to me. This incident not only boosted my confidence, but also gave affirmation to all the decisions that I have made in the past. Decisions that untill now, I was 99% sure, but now a hundred.

Is all of this really happening? Amazing.

And omg the HongKong drama that I was watching online has been removed! Nooooooooo...!!

- triple j

2009-05-11T23:23:00.003+08:00

Monday
oh great.

Don't exactly know why, but I'm in need to vent my frustrations right here right now--- just finished teaching my brother mathematics damn it. And let's just say that it was something similar to teaching a 7 year old kid, just that he's big, fat, lazy, and definitely NOT seven years of age.

Left my house this morning forgetting the all important holy grail of the outdoors: my wallet. Was about to board the bus when it dawned upon me, leaving me scrabbling for coins from Sunshine and Kevin (and I still can't believe anyone can have only 60 cents in his wallet at any one time!); had to borrow one buck to get back home too, talk about pathetic eh?

Happy Mother's Day to all mums out there! You guys (figuratively speaking) are the greatest, and rest assured that we kids DO appreciate all your unfailing efforts and care you have showered upon us.

But guess what. MY mum's the BEST. *nananibooboo*

Confession: I just brushed my teeth and here I am eating satay.Oh yipee.

- triple j

2009-05-04T22:27:00.010+08:00

Falling sick and fat.
Oh yeah.

There has been alot going on for the past week, but when its time to blog about them my mind goes blank. To sum it all up though, I suppose it has been a good week--- the fact that I'm feeling jolly good now and not all sore and agitated means something, doesn't it?

Ahh yes, just recalled that I binged on the thursday before May Day. You have no idea how much I ate during those 24 hours:

1 4 slices of bread + cheese + ham for breakfast
2 normal full rice meal for lunch
3 a big bag of McCoy's Salt and Vinegar (heavenly flavour!) chips
4 4 slices of Pizza Hut's pizza for tea
5 another 4 slices of Canadian's pizza for dinner
6 grilled chicken wings + Noodle soup + satay at Bedok85 for supper

And back home to down it all with a nice hot cup of milo. And as much as I'm a self-proclaimed glutton with tons of appetite to spare, I have to admit my stomach was feeling stuffed, gagged and all beaten up good by the time my head hit the pillow. But as my life's motto goes, "Live to eat and never live to eat".

[SICK]
I fell horribly sick on that weekend before. Not the normal kind of fever that comes and goes ever so often; more like the abnormal ones that left me like a dead corpse for two full days. Two full weekend days mind you. The thought of that immense amount of suffering (I was almost paralysed to the bed mind you) that I had been through is enough to make my goosebumps pop.

I never would want to experience that again, and pray to God it doesn't happen to you.

[LOST]
Last thursday I was at the back of a tunnel on the way to another camp, when we lost our way--- I was the only one at the back, thus clueless about our predicament. It was until I couldn't take the suspiciously long wait any longer that I decided to pop my head out of an opening. And low and behold a sign that read "Jurong" greeted me. W-h-a-t-t-h-e-h-e-c-k. So as with anybody else that is in a situation where boredom literally kills, I came up with an idea to kill time: I sang.

So Imagine me, singing at the top of my voice at the back of a tunnel, waving to people in vehicles around. Perfect.

[EXERCISE]
Went jogging with Sunshine and some others at ECP. Yes, finally. But as much as I would want to say it was a good workout, it wasn't. Well, for one thing, eating Carl's Jr right after a morning jog isn't quite my idea of exercising. It just takes away part of the guilt. Lol.

[I LOVE YOU]
I can start to be emo about my brother now and rant about his ever stubborn hopeless behaviour for the past week. But I won't, because Mother's Day is coming and I shall transfer all the negative energy that I have towards me brother to positive ones towards my mum. Its also quite puzzling when I hear of families who DON'T celebrate Mother's Day at all. Not that I have any problems with those arrangements, its just weird to me; its a day to be thankful, and trust me, it ain't that hard to achieve.

Except the fact that I haven't thought of anything to do for my mum, as yet. Arghhhh! *panics*

- triple j

2009-04-25T08:10:00.005+08:00

Why me?
be contented.

This week passed really fast, having 'breaks' in between the working days, well except yesterday. My flu got the better of me and now I'm running a fever. 38.1, since I last checked; hence this early blog post--- my head just wouldn't stop ringing. Urgh.

Was supposed to go jogging with Sunshine this morning at ECP, but my head is in the process of ripping the life out of me, so I apologise for the last minute cancellation of today's plan. I'm now siting in front of this white mountain of tissue paper perspering like never before, hopfully its a sign that my body is sweating the fever off. Is that even an actual medical phenomenon? 'Sweating it off'?

And yes I need to get my hair cut by this weekend. Again. I just don't know how much of this please-go-get-your-hair-cut nonsense I can take. 10 more months--- I neeeed to endure. After that, you'll never see me stepping into a hair salon for a very long time. I'm really going to let my hair down. Get it? HAIR down? Ok that's so not funny -.-

It must be the fever geting to my head.

Someone posed a question to me "What is the biggest setback you've ever experienced?". And after some deep thought, I realised that I have never really experienced any major ones throughout my life, so to speak. Life has indeed been good to me, its just a matter of how contented I was with these little blessings.

Good things + contentedness = happiness.

So how can we actually be happy? Well only one out of these two factors is within our control. You make the call.

I'm making mine.

********
*******************
*******************************
*snores*

*******************************
******************
********

Omg I was so tired I dozed off on the sofa. Now its 11am and my body is aching worse than before! But I refuse to see a doc, not unless it doesn't heal by tomorrow. In case you don't already know, I'm not a fan of medications--- especially the widely abused Paracetamol.

Urgh today is going to be a bad day for me, my head is literally killing me.

And I miss my shoulder, neck, and head massages. And my Dao Sa Pia.

- triple j

2009-04-16T21:53:00.006+08:00

Hoping for the best
Tired of feeling like this again.

Sometimes I just think back and smile, sometimes I think back and, well, cry. There is so much that happened before today, and so many more to go after. Uncertainties, worries, expectations. These mixed feelings that I've been experiencing. Have I made some bad decisions?

Now's not the time to regret, though--- look ahead, and hope. Because that is all I can do, all I can try to do.

*digress*
I'm sure everyone (by that I mean every guy) took notice of the girl appearing in the Macdonald's advertisement for their Spicy Chicken Wrap. Somehow she manages to catch a substantial amount of attention, no? Initially I thought it was just me, being the Mr. B that I am, but I was wrong... everyone did. Lol.

And a point of note, the wrap is utterly sub-standard. Such irony.

And were my eyes playing a trick on me when I thought I saw a poster of the revival of my Quarter Pounder burger?!
*digressing stops*

And as much as I know I need to be tolerant, I also know I need to put my foot down; don't want to be taken for granted. I don't want to feel like that again.

When I watched this advert, I was literally tearing--- because this is how I've always wanted things to be. Do you?

Let the next few days be happy ones. Please.

- triple j

2009-04-10T15:09:00.006+08:00

9th of April
has passed.

Probably the most significant day of the year passed yesterday, and as much as I would like to say it was good, it wasn't. I'm home now muching on Caramel Corn on a public holiday--- not the best usage of time I know, but hey I'm not complaining.

10 more months to ORD.
* Gasps* Omg omg omg omg omg omg.

Update on my driving test: I passed. Barely, to say the least. Thought I had it in the bag, until the tester's report greeted me with an 18 demerit points score. My faults? Accelerating too slow, delay in moving off, speed too slow for the road---- I mean, what the heck?

And don't get me started on the passport photograph that I was suppose to bring along... I forgot all about it and had to take one at the pathetic shop located at its entrance. Bad idea. The picture wasn't ideal (at all) and now I'm stuck with that accompanying my driver's license for the rest of my life.

Be-e-a-utiful.

Anyway enough with the complaints, bottomline is that I passed, and this phase of my life is so over. Kudos to my driving instructor, he was recommended to me by guin-soo, and I am as hell going to do the same to anyone who asks. So anybody intending to learn manual can just get his number from me, he really is good.

Celebrated my sis birthday at home in the evening, gave-gift-cut-cake-sang-song, and everything proceeded smoothly. The food was good, but extra credit has to be given to the Mango crepe with custard sauce--- just a mouth of it and my eyes literally glowed.

Glowed with a capital G, mind you.

I soooo have to learn how to make one of those.

Happy 21st Birthday Sis!

And on a side note, everyone please go and catch Detroit Metal City, it is a must-watch feel good comedy that would make your time spent in the cinema worth your while. I have to admit I was a little apprehensive as the thriller wasn't appealing, but now I am here telling you that that show is great.

Not to mention that ultra kawaii female lead.

I'll give it a 4 popcorns out of 5.

So why did my day end bad? You know it. Oh wait, maybe you don't. I do.

- triple j

2009-03-31T18:13:00.007+08:00

God damn it. (cooled down)
I'm tired, I really am.

I expected more from you. After everything that we've been through, I really did.

You think you know me oh so well, I thought so too, but please, you don't. You don't even know what I'm feeling now, so for goodness sake don't assume.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

You say you don't want to see me ever again--- how many times have I told you to never ever ever ever say things without thinking of its consequences ----twice have you done this, and now this is the third.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

If this is how you really want things to be, fine.

You know what? I want you to read this--- because this will be the last time I will be doing something for you.

The last... the last.

So don't say you're the dumb one, cos you're not, I am.

Dd, PuiZ, signing off.

Goodbye.

God damn it, you have no idea how much my heart aches now.

2009-03-26T21:22:00.006+08:00

Don't
Please don't.

Was browsing through the newspaper when I saw Burger King's advert for their new Topsy Turvy burger! Succulent beef patties with crispy deep fried onion slices, drizzled with spicy-mayo sauce combo--- comes in single or double: simply iiiiiiiiiirresistible.

Somebody's gotta get me one of those. Right now.

I've been gulping down calories for the past week, and now I'm left without a choice but to jog it all off--- something that would definitely not go well with my doc. Oh well, I guess its might as well though, this weekend will so definitely be cholesterol-packed days.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've done every god damned thing I can to change him. But he doesn't give a shit about anything or anyone, and so I shan't too. You know what? I've got my whole life ahead of me--- my studies, my career, my surgery, my mum, my dad, my sis, my love, my friendships, my future ---and he as hell is NOT going to ruin any of that.

I'm really tired. I'm tired of puting on this heck-care persona of mine, leting people perceive me as a good-for-nothing, irresponsible person that I'm am so not. I've got problems--- personal ones ---just for everyone's information.

I take up responsibilities that no one sees or even expects from me. I am matured in my thinking, I plan meticulously, put others first, and I know what I want in life besides being happy and merry.

So DON'T judge me. DON'T tell me that I should take my life seriously, because you DON'T know how much I do. DON'T get fooled by my carefree actions and comments, because I do think, deliberate, consider, and weigh out pros and cons.

Don't.

The smile on my face is never always genuine.

No one knows what goes through me everytime I step through that door.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And it seems that I can't even keep this smile up now.

- triple j

2009-03-22T17:03:00.004+08:00

Transitions

Gotta hate 'em, love 'em.

If a picture is supposed to speak a thousand words, then my life would comprise of seven thousand--- these seven pictures of myself basically portrays my entire life. So far, that is.

Funny thing though, my fat brother seems to be in most of them; kind of shows his life too. Well, except that his would just take three words to describe: Fat, Fatter, Fattest.

Haha okay I shan't be so mean today. He did have his slim days (when policeman wore shorts)... and although I'm not about to upload his skinny pics as yet, one particular picture of him really made me laugh when I came across it while I was sorting out my photo folders:

God he's adorable. Oops, correction, WAS adorable. Now all he does is wear his black tee, straps on his waist pouch, put on his earphones, get on his little stunt-like bicycle and rides around the neighbourhood, displaying his ah beng-ness for all to see and wasting his life away. Not to mention his lack of civilised manners.

What is a brother to do with a brother like that? *sigh*

And oh yes, I'm going to be taking my driving test in two weeks time, so wish me all the best. And yes I DO need it, I'm so not going to stand here and proclaim that I was born to drive. And what's more, its on the 8th of April!

What about the 8th of April? Oh nothing much... just the fact that I would have 10 more months to ORD!!!

Do you know what is the significance of having TEN months left? It's when you know you can count the number of months left with your fingers, thats what!

Yes so cross your fingers for me on that day so that I can have my double celebration... no make that a triple--- my sis's birthday is on the 9th. Oh no what should I get her? Ahh yes, it'll be the most valuable present of all: a warm hug filled with brotherly love~

And It'll go easy on my pockets too. Lol.

Money doesn't make the world go round, it'll just help you go around it.

2nd song. Jennifer Hudson. God she's amazing. So listen to it!

- triple j

2009-03-19T23:53:00.003+08:00

I am, who I am
don't doubt it.

Maybe I shouldn't continue with this persona of mine. I may act like this in front of others, but deep down, those close ones would know better.

And you do know better.

Don't doubt it. =)

- triple j

2009-03-18T20:45:00.009+08:00

140309
worth remembering.

Darling bought two bottles of Vita-milk this morning, and we were all desperately trying to open them without a bottle-opener. The genius that I am tried to pry it with a key--- and ended up with a cut on my thumb.

A cut that didn't seem to stop bleeding.

Used both a plaster and a roll of tape (tape, mind you!), but the blood just soaked through and through. What happened to my platelets, man. Urgh.

And I'm so going to run out of protein powder anytime now, anyone want to buy with/for me? I'm really running low on it and need to get some asap. Neeeed to maintain my bulk. And don't ask why I can't buy it myself.

I'm just lazy. Duh.

The buses in the morning has been arriving earlier than usual due to the school holidays; you have NO IDEA how much of an impact those students have on my punctuality. So I guess for the next week its a good thing, well, except for the fact that I can't see my tpjc girl *sobs*--- nothing to look forward to every morning!

Damn. Lol.

And this is the order that girls should be (according to Jason): Sweet-looking is of most importance, followed by Cute-ness, then being Pretty, and finally the Hot factor. SCPH.

And Liang Wen Yin fulfils them all. Oh yea~

My tpjc girl passes with S & H, just to measure up. Lol.

But my B.B.D.D is still the best.

--------------------------------------------------------

The 14th of March: walk, talk, eat, sleep. And a smile.

Absolutely lovely.

140309.

- triple j

2009-03-11T18:16:00.006+08:00

I need to eat.
stop me, stop me, stop me!

Flipped through 8 days and Cleo and caught a glimpse of all the food adverts. Just toooo tandalising, man. Saw a to-die-for green tea ice cream, a japanese BBQ buffet located somewhere at Novena (I think) and beautifully marinated lamb shanks!

Someone take me there please. Lol.

Talking about eating, my flu hasn't really recovered--- it has already been a whole week, filled with sneezes, coughs, sore throat, fever and aches. Now all thats left is green phelgm and a painful sensation at the back of my throat. Scaring, maybe.

Even plain bread hurts. Sobs.

Also strangely enough, even though I haven't been very busy as of late, I still haven't managed to catch Slumdog Millionaire. And don't get me started on Kungfu Chef, it was almost vomit inducing-- absolutely horribly horrible --and I'm expecting Dragonball Evolution to be just as disgusting. Caucasians and manga don't mix.

Its like eating nasi lemak with stir-fried vegetables.

Waiting for The Unborn to be screened! Michael Bay aside, Odette Yustman is oh too cute! Never actually heard of her before, but you bet I will be keeping tabs in the future! Lol. Cute girls and horror compliments one another, surprisingly.

Its like eating oranges with black sauce. An unusual combination made in heaven.

And thanks to my in-camp darling's reminder, I jus have to proclaim that Charmaine Sheh is uber cute too! I'm so going to make it my pre-op resolution to watch all of her dramas when I'm bedridden after my surgery.

- triple j

2009-03-02T22:56:00.004+08:00

A bad day
baddie bad bad.

I've had a bad day, today. First there was the sun, then came the perspiration, then the humidity, then the labour, then the fatique, then the punctured tyre, then the stranded wait, then the rain, then the exhausting trip home. Then, that.

God I SO deserve a Swensen's (Just the tiny problem that I hate Swensen's, but an off will do just fine).

I was filling up some notes when it suddenly dawned on me that March as already arrived. Funny, how time flies when you're having fun but even faster when you're not. Yes, its time for me to step up my game. I can't afford to be dependent anymore, I know I'm better than this, it's all or nothing now.

And honestly, I love to have it all.

So did my time pass fast?

While at the gym this morning, I came to a realisation that having abs shouldn't be of my utmost importance; its too hard and excruciating to mantain. Absolutely not worth it. Thus comes the decision that I should just LOOK as if I've got abs, after all, no one walks around without a tee on right?

Hello Hokkien mee. Daddy's back.

But whatever the case, it's all for you.

- triple j

2009-02-27T20:18:00.003+08:00

I'm sorry
dodo.

I've come to a decision, not because I'm trying to pick up the pieces of guilt, but because I want to. I just want to.

My ramblings in the previous post was wrong--- no wait, it was plain sadistic. Because no matter what I do, or try to for that matter, there is nothing in this world that can hide this fact: I can't suppress it.

So enough of the paranoid, pessimistic, worrysome guy that once ruled my world. I will be confident, optimistic and proud of my decison (just saying these two words already sounds so awesome) and the road that lies ahead of me.

Call me selfish if you must, but there is no stopping me from taking this path.

I will not hurt her anymore. This I swear.

I'm sorry. Forgive me.

- triple j

2009-02-25T23:13:00.002+08:00

Urgh.

All I want is for her to be happy. But why is it, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to give her just that?

Fine, take it that I'm selfish. But as much as I would like to kid myself, I know this isn't going the way I have hoped for.

Give up? Can't.
Let go? Can't.
Give in? Tried, can't.

Why is it that for ONCE I can't even give someone happiness without the troubles that alwayyyys comes along with it?

Is it because I attract trouble wherever I go?

Or is it that I'm just too concerned about myself, hence the pressumed 'troubles'?

I know what I have to do, but the courage always diminishes whenever its time for me to put it into action, to put my foot down. And at the end of every night, its an aching heart I end sleeping with, for I know I just made her life more miserable than it already is.

So, Give up? Have to.
Let go? No choice.
Give in? Must.

I just want to be simple, just jollly, me. And hopefully, you, too.

URGH.

And why didn't shern tell me all that before? Weird, how life plays a trick on all of us.

- triple j

2009-02-19T22:08:00.005+08:00

Superficial and Selfish

I'm trying not to sound insulting here, but when I saw a 14-year-old girl in a teenage magazine (whose name I shall not reveal) today, I almost laughed my brain off. She looks just like a 30-year-old, and trust me on this, everyone in the room agreed. Okay it seems I'm getting idiotically superficial recently.

When I woke up a few days back with a reddish mark in between my eyes; don't even have a clue how it got there though. It doesn't seem like a scratch, not a rash, and definitely not a mark left by sleeping in a wrong position. And for a moment I thought my third eye was opening -.-. Okay now I'm really geting all superficial and stuff.

And recently I've just discovered that I gained 3 kilos. I know I've been wanting to gain these kilos, but I really didn't expect them to arrive so fast! And the worst thing is that I really doubt those came from any form of muscle mass--- my stomach is already showing mind you. Yes I'm being superficially concerned about looks.

Now who isn't?

My lousy army phone has scraches on the screen that prevents me from reading its contents especially when there's sunlight causing an eeerritating reflection. I guess I'll have to bear with it for another year or less. Urgh.

I've been clearing out my doubts and frustrations, trying to lead a new life admist an already boring one. I've always acted according to what others would expect and see of me, but you know what? It's time I took control and be myself. For once.

Its never about changing youself to suit others, because honestly, I don't think you'll ever get enough energy to, in the first place. It is all about finding those few people that can accept you. And more often than not, you really have to wait. Take it from me when I say that.

I'm actually feeling selfish-ly carefree now.

- triple j